Hope everyone is adequately recovered from their premiere week fangovers cos off we go with Ep 2!
Have you ever noticed that the kids who are the biggest ratbags are always the ones whose parents are so busy being entertained by their demonic offspring’s ‘adorable’ path of destruction that they can’t actually, y’know, parent? Well, that is fresh outta the ground babyvamp Tara, and that is most certainly new mamavamp Pam. Tara must think she’s back in N’awlins doing that whole cagefighting thing, cos she’s putting the smackdown on Sookie, and having a little necky munch while she’s at it. ‘Do something!’ Lafayette yells at Pam. ‘I am. I’m laughing’ replies the future recipient of the prestigious Maker of the Year award. Pam looks like she would like nothing better than to kick back with some Pick N Mix and watch this show unfold, but does command the angry pitbull-like Tara that having friends (and cousins) for dinner, literally, is a no-no, and then physically corrals her into the house. You’ve been a very, very, naughty girl! Now go to your room!
Tara’s Terrible Tantrum continues in, where else, the kitchen, which gets trashed for the gazillionth time before Tara perches herself on the kitchen sink and stares a hole through the so-out of-their-league-here-it’s-not-even-funny Sook and Laf. It’s like they’ve adopted a cute little pet tiger cub who has now, shock of shocks, gone all tiger on their asses. And just like how you wouldn’t feed a hungry tiger a cucumber sandwich, a ravenous babyvamp don’t want no stinkin’ bottled TruBlood. She pounces again, this time on Lafayette, but then shows the first glimpse that the human, sane Tara is still in there by backing off and playing hide and seek upstairs. If they don’t get her stashed away in Eric’s cubby pronto then she’s going to have a very short life as a vamp indeed, so Laf takes one for the team by slicing his arm and letting Tara have a little feed, before Sook silvers her and they get her underground. Y’know what, I’m already feeling more sorry for Tara then I ever have before.
Back at Fangtasia, Pam is all like ‘I ain’t got time to be a Maker, I gotta get back to running a bar, abusing poor Ginger and having some flashbacks!’ Rewind noise! Brrrdadadawoomwoom. San Francisco, 1905. Fabulously frocked Pam is the matron of a classy little establishment, sipping on Campari, nibbling on lobster and giving her working gals a little ‘boost’ when they need it. One of the ladies has been locked away for over an hour, which means she’s either with a fella who’s getting his money’s worth, or she’s been brutally murdered and the bed is a bloody mess.
Hey, how bout that, Pam walks in and the gal is dead in a bloody mess! I hope she got paid up front. As Pam walks the darkened streets in another outfit that would give my fashion historian friend an orgasm, she gets cornered by a shady gentleman. Generic Old Timey Movie Thug acts all thuggy and leery and pulls a switchblade on Lady Pamela, only to have his throat ripped out by Generic Old Timey Top and Tailed Classy Gent. Wait, there’s something strangely familiar about tall, handsome Mr Top ‘n’ Tails…why, it’s Eric! Looking all dashing yet deadly in his period attire, rocking that ruffled shirt like it’s going out of style. Seriously, these clothes are amazeballs. Even Eric thinks that Pam’s dress is a cracker, apologising for spraying thugboy’s blood all over it and giving her some coinage for the dry cleaning bill. That’s all we see today though. Are we looking at the first multi-episode flashback here?
Current day Eric is looking less posh, a little grubbier, and in serious trouble. As are Bill and Nora, who have been hauled into Authority HQ and greeted by Salome. Sal-o-may, not Sa-lome, which is totally what I thought it was. However it’s pronounced, she doesn’t seem all that interesting yet. Except telling Eric ‘You’re taller than I expected,’ which was quite funny, and bitch slapping Nora when she tries to pull the ‘I’m on your side’ deal. The Authority Bat-Cave is an ugly warehouse from the outside, but has some seriously teched-out blood fingerprint identity checker that leads down into the bizarro reception area. It’s like an office foyer crossed with a hotel check-in, with muzak playing underneath such announcements as ‘Please report to Exsanguination Chamber 4’ (what?!) and those silly looking beret-wearing guards milling around while a big portrait of a creepy dude watches over the scene.
The three prisoners are chucked into cells, next to a hideous vamp who is serving time for eating babies. And not the jelly variety, I mean actual babies. Talk about quality company. The prim and proper façade of The Authority that covers up their sinister methods is on full display as a soothing, storybook narrator voice welcomes Misters Compton and Northman to New Orleans and politely asks why they saw fit to ‘make contact with Chancellor Gainsborough.’ See, that just sounds so much cooler than plain old Nora, I want to be referred to as ‘Chancellor Jess’ from now on. Bill decides to go back to his ‘I’m the king, so I’ll take the blame’ ways and makes up a baloney story about Nora being his prisoner and her and Eric only following his orders. Yeah, nice try Your Ex-Majesty. Voiceover knows Bill is fibbing, and takes it out on everybody in the cells by turning on some artificial UV lights and giving them a nice little frying. Lovable, these Authority folk, really.
After Eric and Bill are separated for interrogation we find out that Voiceover’s name is Dieter Braun. He’s German, charming, has Bill hooked up to an IV that will shoot pure silver into his veins at the touch of a button, and I’m willing to bet that his character description read ‘Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds. With fangs’. It is that similar. Here’s where this week’s ep gets a little hard to recap, kiddos. It’s dialogue. I mean, it’s a lot of dialogue, and it might turn out to be very important dialogue, and will do wonders in getting considered for an Emmy, but it is very hard to condense in a way that is remotely entertaining. Either that or I just suck at this. Let’s see if I can give you the general gist.
Herr Braun has bought along with him THE VAMPIRE BIBLE, cue dramatic music! This VAMPIRE BIBLE is older than the Old Testament, and tells the story that before God created Adam and Eve, he created Lilith, the first vampire. Adam and Eve were then created after Lilith, humans created to nourish vampires. Basically, it’s the text that fundamentalist vampires take as literal gospel, and The Authority think that Nora, Bill and Eric are drinking this ancient Kool Aid. When Bill is unable to convince Braun that this is not his philosophy, he’s injected with silver, a nasty form of torture that’s akin to getting boiled from the inside out.
In another room, Eric is flashing his winningest smile and turning up the roguish charm on Salome, in vain sadly as he gets the silver treatment as well. Should have flashed her something else, Northman. When neither interrogator is able to get them to own up to being a VAMPIRE BIBLE worshipping fundamentalist human-hater, they pull the old ‘he already sold you out, so fess up and avoid more pain’ trick, which still doesn’t work.
Does your head hurt yet? Mine sure does. Let’s take a brief break from the VAMPIRE BIBLE to check in on our gang of supporting characters. (Lazy recapper’s note: due to the buttload of stuff going on back at Authority Bat-Cave, this week’s coverage of subplots will be done in extreme Cliff Notes format.)
The rest of the wolf pack are now taking it turns to grab a few bites of the Marcus Deluxe Special. They’re all urging Alcide to eat up, but he’s all like ‘No thanks. Think I’ll just go home and heat up some mac and cheese. But y’all enjoy your dinner.’ Scary-ass son-eater Martha is all like ‘But you’re the new packmaster, and it’s the law!’ And Alcide is like ‘Fuck yo laws, bitch!’ Or something like that. Then he gets the hell away, and Luna and the battered and bruised Sam stumble outta there too. Martha shows up later at Luna’s place, being less scary and just wanting to be a part of her granddaughter’s life. ‘She’s wolf. I can feel it.’ And then, because things between Sam and Luna have been too easy for a few episodes in a row and I’m certain that there’s a rule that Sam’s love life must always be a mess, Luna kicks him out after he shared his unwanted opinions on Emma’s future in the pack. Which wasn’t a good idea, as I think she’s gonna need all the help she can get with that tiny little wolf cub! Wearing pyjamas! Omg omg omg, sooooo freakin’ cute. I want to hug the ‘lil wolf.
I also want to hug Steve Newlin, who is killing me with his adorkableness. Can I get a ‘Team Newlin’ t-shirt? He’s back on the daytime chat show circuit, and he may be a vampire now but the Rev still has a bullshit media persona. There is someone special, and she makes you very happy? Steeeeve?! What happened to being a proud Gay Vampire American? And can you imagine the hilarity that would have ensued had he proclaimed his love for one Jason Stackhouse on live TV? Alas, we’ll never know. And it’s okay Steve, I forgive you for this, because damn boy do you know how to boogie! The Rev shows up at another one of Jessica’s college parties, and several of my favourite things in this ep happen a) Jessica drops a keg on some girl b) Chick: ‘Before you were a vampire you were a massive dick.’ Steve: (gleeful grin) ‘I know!’ c) Talking about Jason’s various rock hard body parts in explicit detail, while negotiating his price. Fang boners and hair pulling ensue.
Jason and Andy are back to being the best damn buddy cop team around, cruising around talking about their love lives (Jason’s take on Andy and Holly: ’You can eat the pie without buying the cow!’ And that’s what we call a classic Jasonism), finding Debbie’s dumped car and Andy successful resisting a vial of V. Mighty! But what’s the dealio with the Judge Clemens thing? After getting beaten up by a kid whose parents are getting divorced due to the mom having a little bit of on the side action with him, Jason later goes to the Fortenberry house to once again try to patch things up with Hoyt, and scene stealer Maxine makes this another lol-worthy moment. Boy, is Hoyt ever a cranky pants now though. Put a fiver in the swear jar, young man!
There must be something going on where all the sweet guys are letting some rage out, because even Terry is going a little dark on us. First he’s sleepwalking and predicting death for all, then he’s shoving Arlene across the kitchen and snapping at her. In between all this are some snippets on gunfire in Iraq, a lighter being ignited and the revelation that a borderline psychotic Private is still alive. Now Terry and Patrick are going to find him, as they believe he’s the one behind all the house fires. Hmm, intriguing.
Meanwhile, Sookie has gone to do a little bit of shopping, at a vamp-hunting supply store called, what else: Stake House. Brilliant! She browses the racks of ‘wicked sharp’ stakes and silver restraining chains, there’s even shirts for sale with Russell Edgington’s face and ‘Public Enemy #1’ plastered on it, and the shirts with a gun-toting Steve Newlin have now been modified to feature a bulleye over the Reverend’s head. Sook has to tear the redneck clerk away from watching the Rev on TV (‘He was my hero’) so that he can assist her in product selection for her ‘vamp problem.’ This scene: also hilarious, the clerk was pitch perfect. She settles on some highly recommended silver mist dispensers and installs them over the doorways in her house.
While her goal is to keep Tara contained, Lafayette’s is to eliminate her from the picture permanently. Sookie telepathically hears him and arrives just in time to prevent him from sinking a stake into the sleeping Tara. The guilt has got the better of him; he believes he was scared of losing her so soon after Jesus and turned her into the thing she hates the most. But ever the optimist, Sook convinces him that life as an undead can be good, she’ll just have to adjust and they will need to have faith-ah faith-ah faith-ahhhh! But while those silver misters may be handy at keeping vamps out, they appear to be pretty damn useless at keeping one in. Tara wakes from her slumber, still looking pissed off and threatening, but she’s no longer smashing the place to bits. She says her lone line of the episode, ‘I will never forgive either of you’, then runs into the night, straight through the silver spray. Call the vamp wrangling unit, we got a loose one!
So, now that I’ve got everything else out of the way I can focus on the 10 MINUTE LONG ending scene. Did I say that those interrogation scenes were dialogue heavy? They were, until I watched this. Who wrote this ep? Mark Hudis? Well, you’re secret is out, Mr Hudis. You hate recappers. I mean, you must. You have set me a monumental task here, sir. Ok, deep breath.
Bill and Eric are led into a fancy pillared room and unhooded before a table of Authority members. And then, wa hey, it’s Chris Meloni aka Roman’s grand entrance! Ladies and gents, your main new season five cast member. Roman takes a…little slicer thingy? I have no idea what the proper name for that is. Anyway, he slices his own wrist, starts reciting the legend of Lilith The First The Last The Eternal in Aramaic, and feeds a drop of blood to all at the table while Bill and Eric watch with their this is extremely very not good faces on. When the ritual is done, Roman expresses his displeasure that he has come to meet the two in such less than friendly circumstances, and also at the fact that Nora has still not fessed up to why she helped them out. She is led away screaming whie Eric looks on helplessly, and Roman proceeds to scold Fuckup 1 and Fuckup 2 (Nan’s oh so endearing pet names) for all the threats to mainstreaming they committed during the whole Marnie problem, and asks them if they were ever a part of the ‘Sanguinista Movement.’ Sounds funky, was it a fashion trend in the ‘70s perhaps? Somehow I doubt it. To put his monologue simply, mainstreaming is very very important, The Authority have spent their lives creating it and to put it in danger is punishable by the true death.
He’s about to pass that very sentence when Bill pulls the Ace out of his sleeve: their lives in exchange for Russell’s. Of course, everybody thinks that Russell is dead and that this is a desperate lie to save their own skin, but is it really worth the risk to have the biggest threat to the mainstream movement on the loose? Roman is pissed off that they allowed this to happen, pissed off that his sentence has been interrupted, and just really feels like staking Bill. Eventually cooler heads prevail, and what I think might be a plan is put forward by Bill: let Russell find he and Eric, the two men he wants revenge on, lead him to The Authority, and then Roman can still execute them should he feel like it.
Our last vision of the episode is a trail of eviscerated bodies leading up to a hospital bed, and on that bed is someone who has definitely seen better days. He’s depleted, has burn marks so deep that his face looks like a brain with eyes and fangs, and generally looks like something that barely even resembles a person. This is the state of Russell Edgington out of the ground and out of the chains, and we are OUT.
Phew! This was a very different, but enjoyable episode, and very tough to recap. It was a long one this week, thanks for sticking with me to the end!