‘It is Antonia Espanola Mumbleo Jumbleo, and I am returned.’ Thanks to ZZ giving me the proper spelling of this mouthful of a name (I’m Australian. We no speaka da Spanish here) I now know that it was more like Antonia Gavilán de Logroño, but that one line was pretty much the reason for nearly everything that happened in this weeks super intense episode, as a sorceress scorned sets out to prove that, even 400 years late, revenge is a dish best served wrapped in silver chains and on fire.
But lets start at the beginning. Technology and video games are indeed rotting the brains of the youth of today. I mean, ferchrisakes not even somebody guarding a highly dangerous prisoner can keep their nose out of their iPad for two seconds! Katarina is busy playing Angry Birds or something (I also don’t playa da computer games) when she hears a bit of a kerfuffle in Marnie’s cell. When she sees sheriff Luis all up in Marnie’s business threatening to eat her and whatnot she thinks she’s got it all under control with her silver-bullet gun. Little does she know, Luis is already under the control of Marntonia and was faking the whole thing. Psych! Puppet-Luis gets Katarina on the ground and she has no choice but to order the other guards to move so Marnie can make good her escape, but that doesn’t stop her from getting her throat crushed. RIP #1. Since she now has a fully controllable man-servant at her command, Marnie has the obvious request: ‘Make me a ham sandwich. With a pickle.’ Psych! Its actually to relay to King Bill the above mentioned message, which means from now on I’ll be referring to The Artist Formerly Known As Marnie just as Antonia. It also means the vamps are under siege by a spirit who is a pissed off ball of magical fury with a centuries old grudge. Nice.
Bill is in his office about to indulge in a glass of vino. Well, I’m sure its just blood in a carafe but he totally has this ‘I wish I could get wasted so I could drown my sorrows’ look on his face. Puppet-Luis shows up confessing that he’s done a bad bad thing, but Bill barely has time to ponder how in the blue hell a burnt up corpse is sending him a message, because Luis pulls Katie’s gun and pulls off a textbook mafia hit. Or what would have been textbook if Bill had actually, ya know, died. Instead he recovers enough to grab his own gun out of the desk drawer and pops one in Luis. Bill has a gun in his desk? Brilliant. Even brillianter? This was like Boardwalk Empire with fangs. I’m totally pitching a TV series about Mafioso vampires. Bill beats him in getting to the fancy ceremonial stake and is demanding answers, but all he gets is ‘Resurrection’ before Luis stakes himself. C’mon dude, not on the fancy new décor! Bill’s office = the new Sookie’s living room. That’s RIP #2. Already.
Pam is intent on making just as much of a mess out of Tara and Naomi. They are managing to use their cage-fighting schtick enough to make chunks of her head fly off…oh, wait, that’s just the rotting spell. Pam gets Tara by the neck and is about to get some sweet revenge of her own when a mob of camera-wielding wannabe papparazzos burst out of Merlottes ready to capture some TMZ-worthy vamp carnage. Front and centre are the two gossipy Mountain Dew drinking chicks from the end of season two (‘I’d wear him like a scrunchie!’) who can’t seem to decide if Pam is a vamp or a zombie. They’re totally hilarious and the first of many minor characters to make epic cameos in this episode. Not wanting to become a repeat of poor executed Youtube vamp, she decides to shred Tara into confetti at a more appropriate time. And now I’m picturing Pam crossed with Shredder from Ninja Turtles.
Tara then of course breaks up with Naomi in the most predictable way (‘I’m doing it so you won’t get killed!’ and of course the now Tara-patented ‘My life is so FUCKED UP!’) and then ambles down the highway swigging from a bottle of rum. As you do. She hears a rustling in the bushes and starts calling Pam out (Face palm. Tara, you are even stupider than I thought) but its just Antonia doing her best Uncle Sam impersonation. She wants YOU, Tara Thornton, for the vampire-killing wiccan circle of doom! All she has to do is bring up their mutual rapey-bitey torment and that they could play saviour to the thousands who have suffered at the hands and fangs of vampires (except she says vampires in a far cooler accent) and Tara is in. Well, that was about as easy as recruiting a fat kid to be a product tester for Cheetos.
In other goings on of the magical variety, it turns out Don Bartolo, the evilest granddaddy south of the border, set that rattlesnake on Jesus just so Lafayette could channel the long dead Tio Luca and his mad healing skills, proving to Lafayette that he’s a medium. ‘You could have just fuckin’ said so’, says Laf. ‘That probably would have been more interesting’, says I. Later on over a deliciously greasy looking breakfast, Jesus tells Laf that he and Marnie are the only people he’s ever encountered that can communicate with the dead. So it’s settled then. All Laf has to do is channel the spirit of an even more powerful sorceress (I suggest Professor McGonagall) and Antonia is done for! Alright, so its not that simple, but methinks Lafayette is going to have a pretty big ass role to play in this fight.
And in another detour into subplotsville (everything actually was remarkably focused on the main witch angle this week) Alcide and Debbie are getting initiated into their new Shreveport pack. There’s no branding and naked crowdsurfing like the last Were initiation we saw, just a little deer blood and howling and a few rednecks. The Weres are always rednecks, why? Alcide still has Sook on the brain though and is worried about her being out in the woods on the full moon, aka when all the supes come out for a play date, so they decide they can spare ten minutes away to go on Sookie Search. They hear somebody that sounds an awful lot like Sook moaning from off in the foliage and go investigate to make sure she’s not being mauled by a werewolf or something. Of course they’re just the moans of her continuing alfresco sex session with Eric, which could either be ‘I’m really enjoying myself’ or ‘Ow, there’s pine needles digging into my back.’ Alcide doesn’t look happy, and Debbie looks even less so. She’s so disturbed by this whole Sookie-fixation in fact that she can’t even enjoy her and Alcide’s own sexytimes later on. Actually, she climbs off him mid-coitus just to burst into tears. Sounds comical, but I did feel sorry for her, even as Alcide tried to reassure her that all he does is worry for the constantly-in-peril Sook and that he only loves one gal. Please don’t believe him, I want psycho Debbie and I want her now.
From bursting into tears naked to bursting through doors naked, Sookie and Eric literally tumble into her house still conjoined at the pelvic region and proceed to both demonstrate the Kama Sutra and make every possible room and surface grossly unsanitary. Well, I guess Eric did such an extensive remodelling job on the place that the rooms need to be christened. They’re able to enjoy a short post-romping moment where he listens to her heartbeat and she’s just grateful that he hasn’t forgotten all his old talents, but its only a matter of time before that whole pesky memories issue pops up. Sook admits that while she does want him to get his memories back, she doesn’t want him to change and can’t guarantee she’ll still want him if it does happen, considering that she never would have let the old Eric into her bed. I wonder if she would have let him into her patch of forest? Oh geez, that sounded so wrong. Sook gets kudos from me for being totally realistic and accepting that the day will most likely come when those memories do come back. Yay for Stackhouses being sensible for once.
Jason did try to open a door while wearing a boxing glove (a classic example of Stackhouse stupidity, but that was the lovable Jason kind and not the annoying Sookie kind, so its ok) but he’s actually being pretty sharp as well. Lets see, he knows that the best way to cleanse yourself of blood-bond sexy dreams starring your best friend’s girl is to sweat them out through handstand pushups (thus the gloves), he knows that it’s a good time to shut up when you start sounding guilty before you’ve even done anything wrong, and he knows that Sloppy Joes are the best way to console that best friend when he’s feeling like the love of his life is slipping away. Oh, Hoyt. You are like a puppy who’s getting kicked, but a puppy who’s bitten off more than he can chew, and I feel sorry for you but then I also get where Jess is coming from, and I want you guys to stay together but I don’t…this is all too conflicting. What an icky situation.
But really, its sunshine and dandelions compared to this whole Sam/Tommy/Luna skinwalking clusterfuck. Tommy has stopped barfing up blood and is now in the hospital showing all the signs of food poisoning. Sam feels awful for not being there, and Tommy says ‘Don’t blame yourself, it wasn’t you,’ which might be like, unintentionally the most truthful thing he’s ever said? Because it wasn’t Sam who shagged Luna and then unceremoniously ejected her? Or am I just confusing myself? Anyway, when Sam calls up Luna at the school she works at for a bit of phone flirting, all he gets is a perplexing and resounding ‘Fuck You.’ Sam goes to the school to sort out this giant mess and the two are able to deduce from the symptoms that it was indeed Tommy who was skinwalking as Sam. Awk-ward. Sam then totally flips his shit back at the trailer. As in, all those ‘anger management’ sessions were clearly for nought because raging, violent Sam is back and he’s choking the last remaining Mickens and telling him to GTFO and never come back. And, oh hell, now I’m feeling a little sorry for Tommy, because maybe, just maybe, he really didn’t know what he was doing. I’m starting to think this recap should have just been ‘I felt sorry for everybody. The end.’
Bill summons his babyvamp and explains to her everything about Antonia as she examines the bullet hole in his shirt. Its all stuff you’d already know unless you really haven’t been paying attention, but since its Bill and Jess I’ll take even useless exposition. The crux of it all is that Antonia is ba-ack, she wants to make all vampires meet the sun, and since she’s quite handy with that whole necromancing thing they better prepare themselves. Bill convenes the three remaining sheriffs and gives them their instruction: they must evacuate their areas, and any vampire who chooses to stay in Louisiana must do as they do and bind themselves in silver in their place of rest for the duration of the day. They’re a little incredulous at the idea, after all it does hurt like a mother and eliminate their greatest asset, strength. But the King is adamant that this is the only way for them to avoid the worst case of sunburn imaginable. ‘I will not expose my subjects to another massacre like Logroño,’ he says defiantly. Well, whoda thunk it. The Most Reluctant Vampire in the Village has turned out to be quite the leader in the face of mass combustion!
So, assisted by their human allies, the vamps set to chaining. Of course if Pam’s gonna die, she’s gonna die pretty, so she calls in Dr Ludwig for a quick pre-silvering beautifying routine. You know, just the usual body peel (ripping off an entire layer of skin) and acupuncture treatment (a course of 6 needles four times a day for the rest of forever) Doc L is once again totally unsympathetic and witty (‘I’ll give you a bulk discount!’) and is epic cameo number two. Number three is Ginger, who’s finest moment comes later on but is first the one who administers Pam’s pre-bed medicine and tucks her in with silver chainmail. Ah, that’s love. Sookie is of course the one to do the honors on Eric. He looks like he’s the most heavily silvered and is screaming in pain, but Sook knows it’s the only thing to do: ‘I’ve lost too many people I love, I’m not about to lose you too.’ And back at the Compton mansion Bill and Jess have contained themselves in the silver prison for even extra protection. Jess is on a bed getting silvered by Bucky, who seems to be Bill’s favourite guard as he’s always around, but he’s doing too rough a job of it so Bill takes over himself. Somehow making sure getting silvered is as painless as possible: also love. He’s about to drape her neck in the horrid kryptonite-esque stuff, but at the look on her face he loses the heart and decides that what’s already on her is enough. What was it that Lorena once said? That Bill’s mercy was his greatest failing?
Faced with possible impending death, the under-silver conversation is far from light and frivolous. As he did just before he turned her, Bill apologises to Jess for causing her so much suffering, but she attempts to clear his conscience by repeating to him what she told Jason last week: that she’s lived far more with him as a vampire then she ever would have as a human with her family. She’s in the mood to do some conscience clearing of her own, admitting that even though Hoyt loves her so much she’s not sure that she feels the same way, that maybe she would if she was human and had a human heart. Bill, whose struggle since he was turned has been to live as a vampire while trying retain his humanity, tells her forcefully that she does have a human heart, that they are at their core human. He then does what Bill does so well and goes into vamp-hating, angry self-loathing mode. I still love that Sookie quote when she says ‘Deep down, you don’t like vampires even though you are one’ because, it’s just so Bill. He figures that they had this coming from the centuries of murder and torture that they perpetrated with the excuse of it being ‘their nature’, and then they answered killing with killing and fucked things up even more. Somebody give this man the Nobel Prize. Now take it away, because he seems like quite the proud papa when Jess still has enough spunk left to vow to eat Antonia’s face after this whole ordeal is over. Atta girl! Sook and Eric are also having a deep and meaningful, but aside from her telling him all about the time when they were in the FOTS church and he offered to die for her and Godric, it’s still all about the memories. If Sook can forgive all the things he’s done and still love him, then Eric doesn’t want his memories back.
Tara makes yet another move to get closer to the blue ribbon of stupidity when she goes on a wiccan recruiting drive of her own in Merlottes. Now might also be a good time to mention that Holly’s date with Andy was a spectacular success! No, it was brief and awkward and disastrous. She totally forgot about it and then was basically accused by Arlene of trying to marry into the Bellefleur family for money, and he hadn’t had any ‘food’ (wink wink) that day so he was wound tighter than a ball of elastic bands and practically ran out the door taking his flowers with him. So either Holly was so frazzled by this that she wasn’t thinking straight, or she is, I can’t believe I’m saying this now, actually stupider than Tara, because she goes and signs up for the witch war without even to my knowledge having any problem with vamps! So now it’s Tara, Holly, three of the wiccans from Moon Goddess and a few of their pals forming the circle, with a levitating Antonia in the middle, and shit is about to get reals.
There’s chanting, and where there’s chanting there’s wind, and where there’s wind there’s magic, and in this case where there’s magic there’s vampires struggling against their silver chains and screaming desperately for the sun. Maxine Fortenberry’s neighbour exits her house in curlers and promptly goes up in flames. 1) Bill! You were supposed to be taking care of Area 5! 2) Maxine just says with disdain ‘I knew it!’ And I LOVE you, Maxine. 3) That’s RIP #3. Clear your schedule, latbfan. Pam starts struggling to get out of her coffin, so Ginger, heroic, brave, screaming, AWESOME Ginger, sprawls herself on top of it, screaming while it, ahem, vibrates and bucks her violently. I LOVE you too, Ginger.
At Sook’s, Eric is bellowing at her to take the chains off, and Jason has picked the worst possible time to just pop in and share the good news that he didn’t turn into a panther. Or is that the best time? Because after Sook fills him in as to exactly why it’s blowing a gale in her house and what that means for the vamps, Jason turns hero as well and sprints off across the cemetery to Bill’s so he can save Jess. And whaddaya know, that girl needs some serious saving. Bill’s kindness did backfire on the poor guy, as Jess still has enough strength to rip the chains off, clonk Bucky’s head against the cell door and use his key to get out. Bill’s maker commands don’t work (I’m thinking that was because he released her, but I guess it could have been the magic too) and she’s slowly crawling to the front door. In perhaps the nailbiting-est cliffhanger ever, Jason is tackled by a guard outside the house, there’s a gunshot (!) and Jessica flings open the doors, exclaims with ecstasy ‘The sun!’, we fade from a blindingly bright light, and…out.