Season Five Afterblood – Finale Recap and Special AwardsBy Jess on Sep 1 2012 | 22 Comments »
Did you think I’d thrown in my trusty recappers pen a week early? With all the manic post-episode discussion that went on I thought I’d let everyone have their fun with their praise/confusion/fury/cancellation of HBO, let things cool to a tepid room temperature and revisit both the shocking finale and Season Five as a whole.
Episode 512 – ‘Save Yourself’
Au revoir, Mr Edgington
Now here was a shocking way to begin a finale. The fairies, exposed for a hungry Russell to see, turn on the turbo chargers and begin to electric blast him en masse. Due to the copious amounts of Miss Elder that he just guzzled down like a fine vintage drop, the beams of destruction are now only beams of a pleasant tingling sensation. But before he can cross into the Club Fae portal and have himself a fairy buffet, a drunk on fae blood Russell is unexpectedly staked by Eric, who whooshes in to save the day. ‘Well, fuck’ whines Russell in defeat as the Viking’s ancient grudge is settled, and that’s curtains for one of the most entertaining characters in True Blood’s history.
Jason sees dead people
Namely mama and papa Stackhouse, who are appearing to him and adding even more fuel to his vamp hating fire. Jason has had a pretty rough go of it this season with the mess with Hoyt and Jessica and finding out the truth about his parent’s deaths, and it’s taken a toll on his attitude. The Jason we saw in this episode is more cynical, pissed off and revenge driven than we’ve ever seen him. ‘The time for tolerance is over,’ he tells Sookie as the stock up on vamp killing supplies, ‘It’s us versus them.’ Seems like the Jason we’ll see in Season 6 will certainly be a focussed one, but he may be playing with danger.
Alcide rules the wolves
After getting the skinny on just how much of a no good meany pants JD is (he force fed Rikki and others V) Alcide decides its time to man/wolf up and take charge. Having had his sexy ass handed to him in their last tussle, Alcide needs to stop to JD’s level to ensure a fair fight, and takes some higher quality V provided by his dad. Thankfully, he’s not disqualified during any tests for performance enhancing drugs and puts an epic beatdown on JD, making him the new packmaster of Shreveport. So I guess that means he’ll spend most of next season involved in whatever boring werewolf side story is cooked up.
Andy is the new Octodad. Well, halfway…
It’s not a finale without something going down at Merlottes, and this episode’s instalment of ‘Meanwhile, back at the bar…’ did a great job bringing the funnies in an otherwise action-packed, serious episode. It had…Cajun margaritas! Jane Bodehouse! Salt guzzling! ‘My light broke!’ Glowing lady parts! And…quadruplets! All of this can only mean one thing: Andy’s knocked up fairy Maurella gave birth, in orgasmic fashion, to four baby girls on top of the pool table as Lala, Arlene and Jane watched the proceedings like it was a Broadway show and Holly played midwife. Andy is now the proud papa to four half-fae daughters. That’s a lot of mouths to feed on a sheriff’s salary, but I guess they can save on electricity and have the tykes power the house with their microwave fingers.
Skinwalking is never a good idea
Having avoided becoming Bill’s breakfast by shifting into a fly (lucky the Authority guards didn’t have any bug spray handy) Sam forms a plan to get himself, Luna and Emma the heck outta there. Luna skinwalks as Steve Newlin, and is having a spot of bother getting out of the compound. Then Chancellor Roslyn shows up, and her timing is halfway between awesome and awful. Awesome because she lets SteveLuna and wolf form Emma into the elevator, awful because she’s taking him straight to the TV studio to film a saving face press conference. Steluna bumbles through a speech from a teleprompter before beginning to puke blood, and Steve transforms back into a suit-wearing Luna who proceeds to spill all the Authority’s dirty people-eating secrets on live TV. A pissed off Roslyn prepares to strike, but Sam the fly zooms down her gullet and shifts back to human mid-digestion, creating an inside-out goo explosion and one of the most ridiculous, gruesome deaths ever. Sam is covered in blood and entrails as Luna begins to suffer from post-skinwalking sickness, and it doesn’t look good.
Token ‘Bring all the characters back together to form a hero team’ happens, supplies of fake blood in Hollywood are exhausted
So, Eric and Nora are reunited. Eric collects Tara from Fangtasia. They recruit Sookie because she owes Pam. Sookie recruits Jason so he can save Jessica. Jessica and Pam are broken out by this gang to form an even better SUPER GROUP OF AWESOMENESS. And they proceed to go from floor to floor of the Authority compound like it’s some sort of old school video game and make goo fountains out of every beret wearing redshirt. It’s very dumb action movie and kinda rad, and involves highlights such as Jason holding fort behind the reception desk and shooting motherfuckers left right and centre, and Nora turning into a flying Ninja with stakes. There are goo explosions galore as the byzantine décor is thoroughly ruined with a flood liquefied guards, and the carnage is topped off by a celebratory kiss between Pam and Tara. Holy badass lesbian vampires, they are going to be amazing together.
Bill and Salome screw each other, in more ways than one
Is it just me, or do these two make the most loathsome, icky couple? I just wanted to slap both of them. Anyway, Bill once again displays his alarming proficiency for lying smoother than a shot of single malt served in marble, and tells Salome that Lilith appeared to him and declared her the favourite disciple, and he has no problem with her being ‘the prophet’. Salome plans to complete her rise to power by necking the whole vial of Lilith’s blood, and Bill plays the faux-concerned ally. ‘You would be a tremendous loss,’ he coos. Of course, as he’s saying this he’s mentally preparing his speech for his Academy award acceptance, because it’s all a performance. He’s nicked the sacred blood and replaced it with cheap knockoff laced with silver, which Salome couldn’t even smell because she was so eager. ‘Lilith chose wisely,’ she says as he stakes her in her weakened form, and all of the original Chancellors bar Nora have now met the True Death.
Bill is reborn
Eric and Sookie burst in just as Bill is about to chug the actual Lilith blood, and plead with him to stop. ‘Lilith is a mad God,’ says Eric, while Sookie tries to appeal to his good, kind, generous, human side. ‘You’re unique among vampires. Don’t throw that away,’ she begs. Bill says that for all she knows, all of his actions while with her could have been a charade, every move calculated to create the response he wanted. He says that he has spent his entire vampire existence living in fear and feeling forsaken by God, and it ends now. As Lilith says in the bible, the blood is beyond fear. ‘I told you the first night we met. Vampires often turn on those they love the most,’ Bill says, and drinks the blood. He begins to twitch, looking increasingly uncomfortable until blood begins to leak out of his eyes and mouth, the flow becoming more violent until he disintegrates into a pool. Sookie is distraught and sobs into Eric’s chest, until he draws her attention to a figure rising from the blood. It’s Bill, reinvented in the image of the blood-covered naked Lilith, sporting deadly new fangs and a ferocious roar. ‘Run!’ is Eric’s frantic final words and the end of this season of monumental change. Bill = Superdemon VampireUbergod. Well, that’s certainly…interesting.
And as a special post show feature, I give to you: The Nest Season Five Golden Stake Awards, sponsored by Apple. Because they didn’t have enough product placement in the actual season.
The ‘Weren’t you supposed to be a major character?’ Gone too soon award, co-sponsored by EW’s cover series: Chris Meloni/Guardian Roman Zimojic.
The ‘Oh yeah, that happened award’ for most forgettable storyline and character: Sweetie Desarts is The Dragon.
The best party/best musical moment double-ended stake award: Vamps Gone Wild on Bourbon St. and Russell Edgington’s karaoke masterpiece.
The Association of Schizophrenic Actors presents, the Award for best performance of two different characters: Sam Trammell as Sam and Luna
The Mortein ‘Dropping like flies’ award: The Chancellors of the Authority
Kleenex’s tear-jerking exit award: Jim Parrack/Hoyt Fortenberry
People Magazine’s Hot New Couple of the Year award: Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin
The Golden Goo for best death: Roslyn explodes with Sam inside her
An extra random award, for sheer fucking randomness: Mike Spencer is a vampire.
The ‘We still don’t know who the hell you are!’ award for stretching the mysteriousness of an identity: Warlow.
That’s it from me folks, thanks to everyone that read and commented, hope you had fun with the recaps!