Season Five Afterblood – Finale Recap and Special Awards

By Jess on Sep 1 2012 | 22 Comments »

Did you think I’d thrown in my trusty recappers pen a week early? With all the manic post-episode discussion that went on I thought I’d let everyone have their fun with their praise/confusion/fury/cancellation of HBO, let things cool to a tepid room temperature and revisit both the shocking finale and Season Five as a whole.

Episode 512 – ‘Save Yourself’

vlcsnap 2012 08 27 22h44m57s83 season 5 recaps ep 12 save yourself

Au revoir, Mr Edgington

Now here was a shocking way to begin a finale. The fairies, exposed for a hungry Russell to see, turn on the turbo chargers and begin to electric blast him en masse. Due to the copious amounts of Miss Elder that he just guzzled down like a fine vintage drop, the beams of destruction are now only beams of a pleasant tingling sensation. But before he can cross into the Club Fae portal and have himself a fairy buffet, a drunk on fae blood Russell is unexpectedly staked by Eric, who whooshes in to save the day. ‘Well, fuck’ whines Russell in defeat as the Viking’s ancient grudge is settled, and that’s curtains for one of the most entertaining characters in True Blood’s history.

Jason sees dead people

Namely mama and papa Stackhouse, who are appearing to him and adding even more fuel to his vamp hating fire. Jason has had a pretty rough go of it this season with the mess with Hoyt and Jessica and finding out the truth about his parent’s deaths, and it’s taken a toll on his attitude. The Jason we saw in this episode is more cynical, pissed off and revenge driven than we’ve ever seen him. ‘The time for tolerance is over,’ he tells Sookie as the stock up on vamp killing supplies, ‘It’s us versus them.’ Seems like the Jason we’ll see in Season 6 will certainly be a focussed one, but he may be playing with danger.

Alcide rules the wolves

After getting the skinny on just how much of a no good meany pants JD is (he force fed Rikki and others V) Alcide decides its time to man/wolf up and take charge. Having had his sexy ass handed to him in their last tussle, Alcide needs to stop to JD’s level to ensure a fair fight, and takes some higher quality V provided by his dad. Thankfully, he’s not disqualified during any tests for performance enhancing drugs and puts an epic beatdown on JD, making him the new packmaster of Shreveport. So I guess that means he’ll spend most of next season involved in whatever boring werewolf side story is cooked up.

Andy is the new Octodad. Well, halfway…

It’s not a finale without something going down at Merlottes, and this episode’s instalment of ‘Meanwhile, back at the bar…’ did a great job bringing the funnies in an otherwise action-packed, serious episode. It had…Cajun margaritas! Jane Bodehouse! Salt guzzling! ‘My light broke!’ Glowing lady parts! And…quadruplets! All of this can only mean one thing: Andy’s knocked up fairy Maurella gave birth, in orgasmic fashion, to four baby girls on top of the pool table as Lala, Arlene and Jane watched the proceedings like it was a Broadway show and Holly played midwife. Andy is now the proud papa to four half-fae daughters. That’s a lot of mouths to feed on a sheriff’s salary, but I guess they can save on electricity and have the tykes power the house with their microwave fingers.

Skinwalking is never a good idea

Having avoided becoming Bill’s breakfast by shifting into a fly (lucky the Authority guards didn’t have any bug spray handy) Sam forms a plan to get himself, Luna and Emma the heck outta there. Luna skinwalks as Steve Newlin, and is having a spot of bother getting out of the compound. Then Chancellor Roslyn shows up, and her timing is halfway between awesome and awful. Awesome because she lets SteveLuna and wolf form Emma into the elevator, awful because she’s taking him straight to the TV studio to film a saving face press conference. Steluna bumbles through a speech from a teleprompter before beginning to puke blood, and Steve transforms back into a suit-wearing Luna who proceeds to spill all the Authority’s dirty people-eating secrets on live TV. A pissed off Roslyn prepares to strike, but Sam the fly zooms down her gullet and shifts back to human mid-digestion, creating an inside-out goo explosion and one of the most ridiculous, gruesome deaths ever. Sam is covered in blood and entrails as Luna begins to suffer from post-skinwalking sickness, and it doesn’t look good.

Token ‘Bring all the characters back together to form a hero team’ happens, supplies of fake blood in Hollywood are exhausted

So, Eric and Nora are reunited. Eric collects Tara from Fangtasia. They recruit Sookie because she owes Pam. Sookie recruits Jason so he can save Jessica. Jessica and Pam are broken out by this gang to form an even better SUPER GROUP OF AWESOMENESS. And they proceed to go from floor to floor of the Authority compound like it’s some sort of old school video game and make goo fountains out of every beret wearing redshirt. It’s very dumb action movie and kinda rad, and involves highlights such as Jason holding fort behind the reception desk and shooting motherfuckers left right and centre, and Nora turning into a flying Ninja with stakes. There are goo explosions galore as the byzantine décor is thoroughly ruined with a flood liquefied guards, and the carnage is topped off by a celebratory kiss between Pam and Tara. Holy badass lesbian vampires, they are going to be amazing together.

Bill and Salome screw each other, in more ways than one

Is it just me, or do these two make the most loathsome, icky couple? I just wanted to slap both of them. Anyway, Bill once again displays his alarming proficiency for lying smoother than a shot of single malt served in marble, and tells Salome that Lilith appeared to him and declared her the favourite disciple, and he has no problem with her being ‘the prophet’. Salome plans to complete her rise to power by necking the whole vial of Lilith’s blood, and Bill plays the faux-concerned ally. ‘You would be a tremendous loss,’ he coos. Of course, as he’s saying this he’s mentally preparing his speech for his Academy award acceptance, because it’s all a performance. He’s nicked the sacred blood and replaced it with cheap knockoff laced with silver, which Salome couldn’t even smell because she was so eager. ‘Lilith chose wisely,’ she says as he stakes her in her weakened form, and all of the original Chancellors bar Nora have now met the True Death.

Bill is reborn

Eric and Sookie burst in just as Bill is about to chug the actual Lilith blood, and plead with him to stop. ‘Lilith is a mad God,’ says Eric, while Sookie tries to appeal to his good, kind, generous, human side. ‘You’re unique among vampires. Don’t throw that away,’ she begs. Bill says that for all she knows, all of his actions while with her could have been a charade, every move calculated to create the response he wanted. He says that he has spent his entire vampire existence living in fear and feeling forsaken by God, and it ends now. As Lilith says in the bible, the blood is beyond fear. ‘I told you the first night we met. Vampires often turn on those they love the most,’ Bill says, and drinks the blood. He begins to twitch, looking increasingly uncomfortable until blood begins to leak out of his eyes and mouth, the flow becoming more violent until he disintegrates into a pool. Sookie is distraught and sobs into Eric’s chest, until he draws her attention to a figure rising from the blood. It’s Bill, reinvented in the image of the blood-covered naked Lilith, sporting deadly new fangs and a ferocious roar. ‘Run!’ is Eric’s frantic final words and the end of this season of monumental change. Bill = Superdemon VampireUbergod. Well, that’s certainly…interesting.

And as a special post show feature, I give to you: The Nest Season Five Golden Stake Awards, sponsored by Apple. Because they didn’t have enough product placement in the actual season.

The ‘Weren’t you supposed to be a major character?’ Gone too soon award, co-sponsored by EW’s cover series: Chris Meloni/Guardian Roman Zimojic.

The ‘Oh yeah, that happened award’ for most forgettable storyline and character: Sweetie Desarts is The Dragon.

The best party/best musical moment double-ended stake award: Vamps Gone Wild on Bourbon St. and Russell Edgington’s karaoke masterpiece.

The Association of Schizophrenic Actors presents, the Award for best performance of two different characters: Sam Trammell as Sam and Luna

The Mortein ‘Dropping like flies’ award: The Chancellors of the Authority

Kleenex’s tear-jerking exit award: Jim Parrack/Hoyt Fortenberry

People Magazine’s Hot New Couple of the Year award: Russell Edgington and Steve Newlin

The Golden Goo for best death: Roslyn explodes with Sam inside her

An extra random award, for sheer fucking randomness: Mike Spencer is a vampire.

The ‘We still don’t know who the hell you are!’ award for stretching the mysteriousness of an identity: Warlow.

That’s it from me folks, thanks to everyone that read and commented, hope you had fun with the recaps!

22 Responses to “Season Five Afterblood – Finale Recap and Special Awards”

  1. hdgcat says:

    All hail Chancellor Jess, how you managed to avoid being staked in the back by Bill, shot by Jason, or beheaded by Eric is a miracle unto itself. Lilith must bless you every day!

    *snicker*

    I was beginning to think you’d keeled over from shock watching this episode or just said “f*ck this” and went on an early vacation.

    Seriously, your recaps have been almost as much fun to read as watching the eppys themselves and I know I appreciate them very much. Loved your Golden Stakes awards. With all the vampire tv shows/movies right now, they really SHOULD have such a show….sponsored by Apple of course.

    I’m sure I won’t be the first or last to ask that you please PLEASE come back next season since it promises to be a doozy.

  2. zz says:

    Thanks again, phenomenon Jess.
    I’ll miss your recaps, way funnier than the episodes even!

  3. AphroditeMF says:

    Hahaha, sponsored by Apple! Superb recap, Jess, and I love the awards!

  4. Harpyie.Selena says:

    Oh Jess, I’m so going to miss your recaps. Thank you so much for your most entertaining way to sum things up for us. The think an extra award for awesomeness should be established and go to YOU of course!

    I can’t believe this season is already over. How are they going to top Rosalyn’s death? Why did Nora let Newlin escape? Sure she had one more kill in her …. I’m disappointed.
    Bill beyond the true death … hm, how powerful will he be? Will his great-great-great (I don’t know how great) granddaughters grow up to witness?
    Who the f*ck is Warlow and where the heck is he? And how does Nora know him?
    Another reason not to like faeries : they’re sh*tty mothers, as if we needed another reason (just saying). And will Maurella put “Kill Sookie” on top of her to-do list? She didn’t look too pleased with Elder Nutjobs decision (did the Dancing Queen sacrifice herself knowing what would happen?)
    Jason, Jason, Jason, back to hating all Vampires. Nice touch he wants to save his sis, but has he learned nothing?
    At least the Shreveport pack has some sort of leader, but what’s going to happen to the Shifters? They were kind of outed. How’s that going to work? Shifters + werewolves vs. humans vs. Vampires vs. faeries? Endless possibilities and soo much time until we get … not much answers at all.

  5. MarshWoman says:

    Absolutely awesome, Jess! I’ve been anxiously awaiting this recap, and it was worth the wait.

  6. TBObsessed says:

    Yes, I thought you’d decided to throw in the towel on the last recap, what with you being sick, busy, and often getting lukewarm response from readers due to underwhelming show plot lines! Glad you stuck with it after all!

    I read in an Alan Ball interview that Jason is hallucinating his parents due to his head injury and deep-seated guilt about their deaths. I figured they weren’t real since they seemed more concerned with vengeance than concern for their children’s well-being. I’m not sure why Jason said all the women he was with were fundamentally unavailable in some way. Amy and Dawn are unavailable because they are dead. Crystal is very available, just psycho!

    Yes, the Authority does seem to have a contract with Apple! My husband is an Apple fanatic so he was happy to see they were using Macs and left the logo instead of covering it up or altering it like some shows!

    Rosalyn did come into her own right before her bizarre death! She was hilarious as Angry Power Bitch! I loved when she was dressing down Newlin/Luna in the elevator and ranting about the lack of work ethic amongst the surviving Authoritarians!

    The Tara/Pam connection was kind of predictable to me. I would have liked to have seen Tara find the maternal figure that she had longed for rather than romance with Pam, but I also wanted Tara to find peace with herself as a human.

    The only creatures who dropped faster than the Authority Chancellors were their security guards. Their average lifespan dropped to about 10 seconds in the finale- if you count the scene where Bill is dressing them down for the security breach! I kind of felt bad for the poor receptionist, Chelsea, who just seemed to want to get an education!

    I hope the fairies move their dance club now that three vampires know about their place near the old Thibodeaux farm! Nora grudgingly promised not to eat Sookie, but that wouldn’t stop her from coming back for the other fairies.

    I loved Maurella’s colorful sparkly maternity dresses. She may be the ultimate absentee parent, but she has flair! At least she is leaving them with a parent who seems trustworthy, rather than sticking around and being an abusive mother like Tara’s. It did crack me up when she surveyed them proudly and patted Andy on the shoulder with the order to take good care of them, like someone who was selling a cherished possession. I’m guessing that Holly will break down fairly easily and help to raise the babies. The fact that she’s a Wiccan and only had boys herself makes it seem likely she would find it fascinating to get to raise half-fairy girls! It will be interesting to see if they grow at a normal rate now that they are no longer in fae utero. There has been a lot of speculation on the Web that they will grow up faster, but Sookie has aged at a normal rate in spite of her half-fairy status.

    • Zoe says:

      Sookie might display fairy characteristics but there is no indication that either of her parents were fairy. I suspect the original fairy to breed with humans was the one who offered her in contract to Warlow. In the Books it was Gran who was a fairy mare but I think the tv show has written it to be her Great or Grandfather in law, 1700′s. I suspect that the true fairy’s cannot breed with each other, probably due to too few a population and inbreeding as they have shown with the ware panthers. The real fairies are on a constant breeding spree as Murella demonstrated, but they abandon most of them for the lemon’s they see them to be.

      Glad to see you haven’t quit due to the finale. Bill should be quite the interesting character next year.

      • TBObsessed says:

        I’m pretty sure that Claude referred to her as “half-fae” when he said that her powers were finite. Maybe he was speaking figuratively or maybe he knows something that she doesn’t!

      • Danni says:

        About the half-fae being lemons… if that’s the case why would they care so much about Sookie? The fairies don’t seem all there so maybe it’s not supposed to make sense? I guess because she’s at least half fairy… Sookie had Claudine as a fairy godmother so they must care about half-fae to some extent. It makes me wonder if a fairy godmother will be assigned to any of the quads?

        Or perhaps Sookie is just special for some reason?

  7. sabrina says:

    Awesome Jess.

    I thought the werewolf (there, wolf) storyline was done and it was ta ta Alcide, but someone is gonna have to deal withthe fact that the world now knows about shape shifting people. I think he is gonna be an integral part of that storyline, and hopefully nekkid a lot more.

    • AphroditeMF says:

      Ooh, good call! I was wondering where Alcide’s story might go and that is a definite possibility. And hey, the werewolves couldn’t possibly get a hunkier poster boy!

  8. ksebold says:

    BEst new couple is totally PAM and TARA!! TARA’s storyline has never been better!!

  9. jody says:

    Thanks for your recap Jess! Always a favorite to read!

  10. Lividity says:

    I have to agree about Russell & Steve. I’m sad we won’t get to see more of them together.

    Thanks for recapping the last episode AND ALL of them this year Jess. You are a true artist!

    • Zoe says:

      Well they could always show us Steve and Russell making out at their frat boy massacre which Dennis says was cut from the show. Sounds like there’s lots of other improv scenes they could show as memories of a Russell gone bye bye/splat splat!

  11. Joanna "Teahead" says:

    I was hoping to know how on Earth did Sweetie and the Obamas knew who the shapeshifters were and how did they know about Sookie’s mind-reading and microwave fingers superpowers? I mean, okay, it’s possible to recognize vampires, but shifters? They knew about Luna, Sam, about their friends. How?!

  12. Mel says:

    Thanks again for your recaps… I love reading them so much that you put me 5 episodes ahead of our trueblood on tv :)

  13. eloradannen says:

    a great recap Jess and great insights.

    I love your analysis of Bill and Salome. He sure is a smoothtalker and the whole time I was watching that I was thinking…He seems so sincere, but this is how he got Sookie! He always said just the right things to her to keep her hanging on.

  14. Fsanchez says:

    I hope this is the last time we see Alcide and those pathetic excuses they call werewolves (their not ,even, werewolves just a bunch of shifters that turn into wolves). Alcide is just eye-candy thats why the writers dont give him an actual story or any character development.

  15. resource says:

    Having read this I thought it was extremely informative. I appreciate you spending some time and effort to put this information together. I once again find myself personally spending a lot of time both reading and commenting. But so what, it was still worthwhile!

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