Bulletsucker is a Sucker

This week on True Blood, a thousand years of night classes in manipulation pay off, Hoyt’s momma hates a lot of stuff, including Jessica, Vampire Jesus is tired of Dallas and life, Lafayette and Lettie Mae stage an intervention and get smacked around for their pains, Sam proves very versatile and the zombie minions are given a Get Out of Jail Free card. Also, the return of Stupid Sookie!

I thought I would start this recap with a cautionary tale involving lions that I saw on Animal Planet last night. I stored it in my brain for possible use later, having read the books and gobbled all the spoilers I could find this week, as you do. In this tale, a confused and lonely lion adopted this cute n’ brave baby oryx (um, a kind of deer). The lion followed the oryx around, snuggled it, defended it from all comers, tried to keep it from falling in holes and shit, basically ran its silly ass ragged trying to care for this annoying, bleating thing. After two weeks it was a starved, frazzled mess, and so, of course, another bigger lion came along and ate the oryx. The lion grieved for a while, then did the lion equivalent of a meh, and went out and killed something and felt better. Are you getting my clever little parallel?

Mwahahahahahaha!

Anyway, on to the show, which opens with a quick rewind to remind us the Lukenator has just gone all Al Qaeda on the vampire party while Bill is outside telling the ex to piss off. Lorena speeds down the road unscathed except for her pride and able to return in Sookie’s pornalicious dream and probably in Season 3, just guessin’. The bomb goes off, lots of gooey bits get splattered all over the lounge, many vamps lie around and groan, and Bill hops it back inside looking for the oryx. Sookie’s fine, but she’s got a big lump of Viking on top of her. Said Viking cunningly sends Bill outside to go get some marauding church geeks, which he dutifully does, except he doesn’t kill them because hes too much of a NICE GUY. Man, this is getting old. While conveniently occupied, Eric persuades Sook to suck bullets out of him because he’s like dying maybe. She thinks this is gross, but does so, and Eric grins in a fangy and smug way. Bill comes back inside, immediately gets the point of the little exercise and the invisible string quartet makes lots of Sad Bill music while Sookie babbles defensively and Godric wanders around checking the survivors. I’m glad to see Isabel is still alive, and glad that bespoke cowpoke Stan is dead. The Lukenator is pulp, but Jason is cool, praise Jesus.

Bill has had a very sucky day.

Everyone not in bits gets sent back to the hotel to recuperate in ugly grey robes, except Sookie, who’s in cute pink pyjamas. She demonstrates enough smarts to know she’s done something very unwise indeed, and when told the implications by an absolutely gutted Bill she is suitably disgusted. Unfortunately, this instant sexual attraction thing doesn’t gel with what he told her last season. And while I’m here, how can there be a blood bond when Eric hasn’t had any of hers? Continuity editor has gone on vacation perchance? Time for a less confusing trip back to Bon Temps, where Hoyt is comforting Jessica about her indestructible hymen. Hoyt is so sweet and loving and considerate he makes every boyfriend or husband out there in the real world look like an asshole. In a neat parallel with Bill and Sookie last season, he escorts her to the hidey hole under the stairs and tucks her in, and sits there warbling love songs until the sun comes up. The cuteness!

Now I have to tell y’all about Maryanne. I can hear you yawning from my secret underground bunker, where I’m hiding from her, but trust me, the crazier this bitch gets, the more interesting it gets. She’s almost finished stripping off those glamorous layers to reveal who she really is; a tiresome religious zealot demanding the sacrifice of lovely Sam, the dignity of the townsfolk, the fierce independence of Tara, all for her God. The God of smutty fun in the mud, instead of the God of killing vamps, and both are equally scary. Tara and Eggs are at the kitchen table complaining about their bruises and loss of memory, which Maryanne blames on acid before extolling the virtues of going off your nut in an ecstatic fervour and harming yourself and others. Which she thinks is awesome, natch, as she lives off the energy, but nobody else does, including the viewers. How would this creature do in a dull and virtuous place like Utah? Maybe we should send her there; that might kill her off. Quick, bring me a net and a straitjacket before she finds Sam in the jailhouse! Poor hunted Sam, forced to spend the night with a bunch of rowdy perverts and a…fly? Hmm.

Flitting back to Dallas, guilty Sookie can’t get no sleep, so she goes next door to visit with Jason who’s taken over Jess’s room. More schmaltzy dialogue from Sookie about God and Gran and how Jason has to use his brain more. I like this bit about Jason just being a lazy ass. I think his stupidity has been overplayed a bit too much this season, LOL worthy though it is, and its good to be reminded that he might not be as retarded as he seems. He just can’t be bothered to think, as there’s too much nasty shit to think about. That’s a man thing. Bonding moment over, they sit back in bed to watch Steve and Sarah Newlin defend themselves on TV and snarl and spit at each other. The witch and the son of a bitch, hee! While funny as hell, I found this to be a pretty lame and rushed conclusion to the whole long and involved church geek plot, and I come away dissatisfied. Is it the last we’ve seen of these guys this season? Meh. Come to think of it, only one carload of vigilantes at the Dallas nest was pretty lame as well. Not the huge smackdown I was looking for and certainly not deserving of the extreme hissy fit tantrum thrown by Nan Flanagan later on.

Lovely Hoyt- best boyfriend, ever.

At Merlottes, the zombie patrons are in a hangover mood again, and a harassed Arlene is shrieking down the phone at her kids in grand white trash style. She’s still feeling miserable about date raping Terry, but in a sweet little moment she finds out that he’s okay with it after all, since he can’t remember the last time he got legitimately laid anyway. Lafayette is continuing to cast a suspicious (fake lashed) eye around the bar, knowing something’s not cool, and when Tara comes in for work with Eggs in tow he goes kick ass outraged at the state of her face. While everyone cheers, he smacks Maryanne’s pet around a bit, who manages to get another hit on Tara because she gets in the way. Eric’s blood is gonna come in handy to someone, I’m looking forward to Laffy smacking zombies around all over the place until the finale, that boy strong AND fabulous. Across town, Hoyt is getting grilled cheese from his momma and listing all the things she hates, which sadly includes vampires as well as African Americans and pick up trucks on front lawns. She whines a lot about Jess, but he stomps out determined to cut his apron strings, taking his sandwich with him.

WTF was that all about?

In Dallas, Sookie’s having a sexeh dream about Eric. Alexander sure is nice to look at nekkid, and I’m overjoyed the Eric fans finally got some action, but I’m not horny. Not even hubby is horny and he usually does handstands at the prospect of ogling Sookie’s tits. There’s too much fear and doubt and trickery swirling around that dream bed for me to enjoy the view, and besides Lorena’s sitting there watching and that’s just weird. Sookie doth protest too much about how she loves Bill, shrugs and plays tonsil hockey anyway, and then wakes up next to hapless current boyfriend and looks, well, mildly disturbed. We’ve all been there, dreaming moistly of fantasy man while our own boring real man snores peacefully beside us, but I am still full of ick. At home, the jail cells are bursting at the seams and disapproving Sheriff Dearborn is reeling with exhaustion. Maryanne shimmies in and makes sure he has a nice little zombie sleep, and then nicks his keys to go get Sam. He hears her coming, spots his cellmate the fly and shifts yet again and escapes, leaving her terribly vexed. She lets the mob out in a fit of pique and off they go to trash the town.

Old family much less creepier than new family.

Back in Merlottes, Hoyt has managed to set up a ‘meet the future mother in law’ event. Poor Jessica tries to be as winsome as possible, but one too many nasty comments get her fangy, then weepy, then gone, and Hoyt scuttles out after her, leaving Momma Foytenberry to get rip royally pissed. Speaking of getting pissed, Maryanne and her zombie children are doing tequila shots in Gran’s kitchen. Their zillionth party is interrupted by Lafayette and Lettie Mae, who manages to show great dignity in the face of a pile of expensive booze, insults and violence. Lafayette brings the kick ass again, wiping the floor with Eggs and helping Lettie Mae to wrestle black eyed Tara into the car. Oh balls, Boss Lady Vampire Nan Flanagan is in Dallas. The nice vampire lady on the TV is surprisingly bitchy and foul mouthed, and she rails at a dignified Godric and the rest of them while Sookie makes big doe eyes at Eric and Bill fidgets miserably. I know this is all conveniently ‘not Sookie’s fault’ but I still want to slap her. Though hardly anyone got killed and Vampire Jesus did his very best to avoid disaster and make friends with the crazy hate crime humans, the American Vampire League are not amused. Godric is stripped of his title and sensible Isabel made sheriff. Everyone jumps to Godric’s defence but its clear he has given up on all vampire bullshit. Although they’ve only asked him to sign some boring forms he’s willing to make an example of himself, which was his intention all along.

After a quick trip back to Bon Temps to show Sam the Fly turning up naked and yummy at Andy Bellefleur’s hideout, and Maryanne storming into Merlotte’s under a convenient wind machine to rally the zombie minions into finding him, we’re back to the sad. Eric is a mess over Godric, feeling powerless for the first time in forever, probably. So much of a mess, he barely reacts when Bill grows weary of watching his girlfriend staring at his hotness and punches him in the face. Most interesting, both vampires are busy losing the only people on earth they give a rats ass for and their reactions to the pain are so different. Eric’s going down fighting, weeping and raging and begging. Bill is holding all his pain locked deep inside, the noble, stoic fool. The look of defeat on his face when Sookie bolts off to be there for Eric and Godric at the end makes me howl. I’m so fed up with waiting for Bill to lose his shit and the odd punch or plasma telly assault is not doing it for me. I know we’re supposed to love him because he’s an effing tragedy but bitches please, give him a goddamn break!

Viking Vampire is weepy.

The show creators have done a super excellent job at making me dislike Eric, le sigh, so I don’t feel particularly sorry for him when he falls to pieces on the roof of the hotel, pleading with his maker not to fly off into the sunrise. Sure does look hot in that black jumper though…oops, shallow! Godric is beautiful, ethereal, calm and happy that his very long life is coming to an end. It’s a teary eyed scene, but it’s also kinda uplifting. He’s a better creature than any of the effed up humans and vampires currently inhabiting the show, so alas, they have to kill him off. As effed up people are more interesting and like, dramatic. Eric reluctantly drags himself away, but Sookie stays with him until the end, giving him the human sniffles and empathy he wasn’t expecting to get, as she’s good like that. Fortunately he’s so old he doesn’t burn in a gross way, but an excellent special effects blue flames and sparks kind of way, and that’s how the show ends. If he meets God, I hope the grumpy and vengeful old dude is nice to him.

Meeting the sun in a non-gross way...cool.

Next week on True Blood, Welcome to Bon Temps, Feck Off, Maryanne greets the befuddled arrivals from Dallas and invades Bill’s house with her slimy presence, the zombies get Sam, Jason goes all beserk Rambo with a chainsaw and Jessica bites Mrs Foytenberry, I hope. At least it’s funnier than Dallas, y’all.

Posted in Ep 9 - I will Rise Up, Recaps