True Blood News at The Nest

This week on True Blood, Andy Bellefleur is my hero, Lafayette’s a fabulous bitch, the Christian soldiers act not very Christian at all, Maryanne has gross old man feet, Lorena is the clingy ex girlfriend from hell and Hoyt has real bad taste in seduction music.

Any episode of True Blood which opens with Andy Bellefleur face down in the dirt yelling ‘piiiiiiiiiiiig’ you know is going to be pretty amazing. I’m kind of sad that the pig mystery is now solved as I will miss him running around Bon Temps drunk off his ass trying to find it. Unfortunately for the town, Andy is one of the handful of sane folks left due to the machinations of Maryanne, whose latest naked fun party ended on a major buzzkill as a screaming Sam was dragged in by Daphne for a nice ritual sacrifice. And so begins our theme of being locked up against your will by various types of charming lunatics. Whether by a church with a nice line in hate-crime board games for kids, or a town full of effing zombies. Or a woman from your shady past who, like a bloody black widow spider or praying mantis, would rather eat you alive than let you go free. Intense huh?

Anyway, this week’s hero Andy thankfully interrupts Maryanne’s plans for cutting out Sam’s heart.Orgy zombies wail in distress as her hoodoo spell is broken by the need to chase Sam through the woods looking kind of lame in her bull mask and Grecian gown. Clever Sam shifts into a very cool owl and flies away gracefully, missing the opportunity to shit on her head while he’s at it. Then we see more dangly bits and tits as the party disperses and a pantless Terry breaks Andy’s arm for a good laugh. I’m real glad he’s wearing a shirt and his dignity isn’t ruined further by showing us his mini-Terry. In another State, a caged Sookie and Hugo are freaking out in the church basement. Sookie’s wondering why Bill hasn’t turned up to save her ass yet again while Hugo whines, but is kind of glad he hasn’t, given the nastiness of her hosts. Still, she looks hurt, and here beginneth her doubts about the wonderfulness of her man, which I assume is the whole idea of the organized imprisonment going on at the hotel at the moment.

Bill has not missed Lorena one bit. In fact he dearly wants her to farck off. Alas, she is capable of kicking seven shades of crap out of him so he isn’t going anywhere the whole episode except more crazy. Glamorous wrestling for the doorhandle ensues, which Hoyt and Jessica don’t hear a thing of from next door. Since he’s not gonna get any help, time for another flashback. Bring on the sexy costumes but um, not so much gore this time please? I’m in luck. It’s 1935 now and Bill would rather read books about ancient Greece (I’m sure that’s gonna come in handy some time in the future, just sayin’) than chow down on some ditzy chorus girl, as he’s not digging Lorena’s style anymore. Black Widow and her weird eyebrows emote, but William is not biting, he wants to be alone, the gallant Civil War dude he was before being turned has won the battle with the singing killer from last week. Amazingly I feel sorry for Lorena for a second, it must suck knowing the guy you love would rather wander the earth alone in torment (cue dramatic Bill string quartet music, I LOVE those invisible guys) than spend a single minute more in your psycho company.

Outside the leafy Fellowship compound, Eric is sneering at the church geeks while Isabel talks sense. Neither of them know about the pets in the basement as they don’t have Sookie radar. If Hugo is a ‘science project’, I doubt gorgeous Isabel has such a big connection to him, and I will be proved right later on, hah hah! Eric is curious about the benefits of having a permanent human instead of a stream of snack machines, and very lamely denies any interest in Sookie. I cackle knowingly into my very large glass of wine. Bill my dear, you better stop being so damn polite and start fighting dirty if you ever get out of that room. Later on, real sheriff will have another stand off with fake cowboy Stan and shed a little tear for not Sookie, but Godric. Meanwhile in the choir stalls, Mrs Newlin is slipping on her panties and glowing from the popular Jason Stackhouse workout. Jason is feeling cornered yet again by a woman who’s in love with him after one brief shagfest in an uncomfortable place. He might be feeling guilty too. On to daytime, where his conscience will probably be forgotten but his sense of self preservation won’t.

Back in defiled Bon Temps, Tara and Eggs cannot remember anything about the doggy style on Gran’s lawn last night and blame it on the weed. Ahh, that old excuse. Maryanne comes home with a dead rabbit and nasty looking claw feet, ooh, we hadn’t noticed those before, and is dismissive of Tara’s complaints about the messed up house. Tara knows something is definitely wrong with this picture but doesn’t seem inclined to do anything about it as Eggs is so nice and cuddly. In Texas, cowardly Hugo spills the beans to Steve about Sookie’s mission, much to her disgust, and the reverend takes off in a rage to find Jason and string him up for being the brother of the vampire spy. Still no sign of Godric about anywhere. Sookie starts shouting for Barry via the telepath hotline, begging him to go to the hotel and get Bill, who is bleeding from the ears from being forced to stay awake. Lorena’s is not in such great shape either, but she manages to crush the phone to tiny pieces and gleefully informs her child that Eric is after his talented girlfriend. Forewarned is forearmed darlin’.

While Jason is being dragged away to have his throat slit, which he will heroically escape from after his sister’s honour is insulted and he decides to start kicking church geek ass, the misery of Sam continues. He goes to fetch his gun from the office while Lafayette deals V and does his makeup in the ladies. Pizzazz has returned to the most fabulous cook ever after Pam’s visit, and his bitch t shirt and affectionate ‘skank ho’s’ label for Tara and Arlene (who date raped Terry so IS a ho), makes me think all is right with the world for a minute. Unfortunately a long monologue by Daphne at the skinny dipping pond reminds me it’s not. While Sam thinks about killing her, she tells all about her boss goddess, stupidly it seems, as Maryanne has Eggs kill her later on in the show. Since the annoying woman is immortal how can we possibly kill her off and how will lovely Sam escape her poisonous claws? Back at the bar, Lafayette is eyeing Eggs lustfully but suspiciously and warns Tara about Satan’s beautiful effing Sunday hats, when Andy staggers in and starts railing at the townsfolk for being a bunch of fornicating zombies. I hope Maryanne’s spell never works on Andy, we need his voice of reason. Tara has yet another WTF moment of clarity which will probably be magicked away very soon.

Sookie finds out what book readers already know, that Hugo is a despicable traitor who has turned on Isabel. Gabe turns up to smack him around the head for also being a traitor to humans and then starts on Sookie. Sarah interrupts her meet and greet of the pyjamaed congregation who have turned up for a sleepover and to watch Godric burn, to go find Jason and shoot him. Bill gets another burst of Sookie bleeping and desperately tries for the door one more time, but to no avail. Lorena’s right behind him with a stake to his back. Another flashback to a happier time in 1935 when HE had a stake and was going to kill himself rather than put up with her lovin’. Back then she released him but this time she’s mighty determined. She’s really pissed he’s in love with a cheap, backwoods waitress. Or else Eric paid her lots of money. Either way, give it up, bitch! Next door, two virgins are about to get it on with rose petals, candles and Leona Lewis and its all a little too cheesy, and I’m fed up with them anyway for not doing ANYTHING about the sadistic bullshit going on next door. Bad daughter, bad!

In the patented True Blood way of cramming lots of exciting stuff into the last few minutes Barry finally turns up at the door to give Sookie’s message, brave lad. For his pains he gets dragged by the neck into the bedroom by Lorena (I think) while an eavesdropping Eric whizzes out the door at the mention of Godric. Ooh he’s off to save the day and win brownie points. At last, after poor old Sook fights very hard not to get raped in a disgusting thirty second scene that makes me want to puke, Godric finally shows his pretty face. Where the hell has he been? He’s got Gabe by the ear and I hope he’s going to rip him to shreds Eric-style. Don’t tell me I have to wait a god damn week to find out what happens next, you bastards! I shake my fist at the screen and we end.

Next week on True Blood, Eric is at the church being all heroic while Bill is still MIA, a hard ass vampire posse turns up to help, or perhaps make things worse, Sookie is probably still in danger and Sam is in jail for something. Nice guys always finish last, it seems. See you then, chickie pies!

Recap by CitizenErased

Posted in CitizenErased Recaps, Ep 7 - Release Me, Reviews