I’d Wear Him Like a Scrunchie

In la grande finale of True Blood, a gas leak/aliens/LSD/bad booze explains all conveniently, Lafayette is the sexiest maid of honour, Sam the bull is kinda sweet and cuddly, Sookie wants those zombies off her lawn pronto, Bill is as romantic as Edward ‘Pussy’ Cullen except better because he actually puts out, Eric gets bossed around by a crazy bitch for a change and ding, dong…the maenad bitch is dead. Happy dance! Plus very predictable cliffhanger.  Adieu, my favourite freakshow!

Well, Season Two is finally over, and I feel …exhausted? Sorta glad of the rest so I can process it all and maybe argue with myself out loud on the street like Mad Cat Lady from The Simpsons as to whether it was better or worse than Season 1?  Hilarious, totally infuriating, very saggy and draggy in parts, with way too much time spent on boring shit like endless orgies, mythological mumbo jumbo, Tara and Eggs, and church geeks being well, brainwashed smiley douchebags. It was also heartbreaking, horny, fiendishly clever, very moving, downright stupid and incredibly manipulative.

Characters rose in our esteem, and fell. Book readers got pissed as if Shakespeare was being destroyed or something (seriously, they need to chill). There was bad make up and bad clothes and bad dialogue. Bill sung and played the piano and danced, which should be ludicrous but actually kind of worked, and I HATE musicals. Eric was consistently a devious, homewrecking villain but he did it in such a charming, uber hot manner that everyone loved him anyway. Plus he cried, and chicks dig sensitive bastards, y’know? All of the characters that pissed us off the most ended up dead, which was fitting, and the ones we love the most ended up in more misery and danger for us to worry about. A show vaguely based on silly books about vampires that involves this much emotional investment must be the most amazing thing on television, ever, and yes, despite my immense list of grumbles, I really think it is. I have given the writers and the actors endless amounts of snark over the last few months, but it’s only cos I’m rooting for them all.

With a heavy (NOT edible) heart and a bloody tear in my eye I shall begin to retell the story of the finale. Sookie is screaming her tits off yet again at bug eyed Lafayette and the (utterly pointless) ostrich egg on Gran’s bed. Vile Eggs and Tara scuttle off downstairs with the stupid egg while Laffy barks at Sookie to get naked and put a cheap, scratchy looking dress on. She reluctantly does and is frogmarched downstairs to join the bridal party. If she hadn’t done enough to trash Sook’s cherished heirlooms, Maryanne is now wearing Gran’s wedding dress. The key zombie witches are gathered around squeeing with excitement, and Eggs annoys me even more than usual by grinning like a retard. Fortunately Maryanne sends them all outside so she can quiz Sookie about what she is, as she ain’t human clearly with that awesome white light zappy thing going on. ‘I’m a waitress, what the fuck are YOU?’ Best Sookie line in like forever, I just love it when our gal swears proper.

Across town, Hoyt has booby trapped the living room so he can have a nap whilst preventing Momma from joining the party, which is assembling in front of the stinking wicker man/meat tree. Jason advances on the minions through the Stackhouse woods, spouting mangled yet inspirational quotes from action movies to rev Andy up, but nooooo! As soon as they step forth with their guns they’re nabbed by Terry and a pile-up of groping minions and they transform into black eyed bores as well. Seriously, after resisting for so long and doing vaguely heroic things? I’m gutted. Inside, Maryanne is disappointed that Sookie can’t do magic tricks on demand, and so just rambles on a bit about how she’s super stoked about getting married to God while Sook screeches indignantly and inwardly digests the fact that she’s not quite human.

In New Orleans, a fabulously bored Eric plays Yahtzee with Queenie, who prevents him from flying to Bon Temps to play the sexy town saviour to impress popular Sook. Sophie Anne bitches about how lame Bill is for being in love and how Eric better not bite Sook as he dearly wants to, as he might catch the ‘Sooookeh is maaaahn’ virus as well. More debilitating than Hep D, that virus, just look what it’s done to Bill, y’all. Cousin Hadley looks a bit sad that her lesbian lady friend has such a low opinion of vamps in lurve, and then the erratic queen gets enraged over Bill knowing of her and Eric’s secret V dealing racket, swats pretty blondie to the floor and crawls all over him hissing and fanging. This would be sexier if her fangs weren’t so ridiculously huge. Is she Pussylover, then? The Viking doesn’t look very into it and gasp, also a bit scared, and mutters something ominous about taking care of hapless Bill. Le sigh, they’ll never do bromance again at this rate and I love that. Why does he have to be such a prick all the time, writers? Anyway I’m totally confused by all this plotting and posturing and have no frigging idea whether the books are being followed at all. so I am meh until things become more clear. Queenie was slightly more scary and callous than last episode though, so don’t fire Evan Rachel just yet.

Back in the Town of Crazy, Sookie is tied to a chair, apropos of nothing as she can’t get past the zombies outside anyway, and she is very upset that her nice boss is gonna get carved up like a novelty wedding cake. She asks WTF is with the egg, gets some dull explanation and is then forced to lick it. Eww. At Merlottes, Bill is pissed he wasn’t allowed to glamour the bratty kids to sleep, and is in no mood for Sam’s ‘nuh uh, don’t feel like being sacrificed today, thanks’.

He pops fang and acts all masterful, but I’m sure he has a plan and isn’t going to have Sam killed for real, right? Flitting back to the shindig, here comes the bride with a shuffling Andy as the train bearer, some cackling bridesmaids and a struggling Sookie. Laffy mounts the meat tree, crowns it with the bull mask and orders everyone to ‘worship him, bitches!’ I LOL so hard wine shoots out my nose. Maryanne does a zzz speech to the impatient mob, and thankfully Bill rocks up and hands Sam over in exchange for Sook, who is unimpressed with her boyfriend as, despite his best efforts, she still don’t entirely trust him.

The meat tree is explained away as a giant womb for the god, oh okayyyy, and then Sam is brought forth all tied up and is stabbed in the chest by Eggs. Oh noes, my poor, brave Sam! Sookie wails, breaks free of Bill and runs to him, and picks up on his thoughts, which weakly tell her to go and trash some icky party decorations. She runs over to the tree, smashes the egg (yay!) and knocks the manky monstrosity over with her (possibly fairy) special powers.

Maryanne and her guests are outraged at this, natch, the poison claws come out and Sook legs it into the woods, hotly pursued by the pissed off bride. But then praise Jesus or Dionysus or whatever, a huge and rather cute bull emerges from the shadows and Maryanne lets off killing Sook as she thinks it’s her groom at last. It’s Sam of course, all healed up from drinking Bill’s yummy blood at what must have been lightning speed.

I is putting in a request for a Sam-Bill sex dream for Season 3, writers. Be consistent and bold, I dare ya. The clueless maenad offers herself for ravishment. and is gored in the guts and has her black heart ripped out in a deeply satisfying death scene. Hell to the yeah, I has been waiting for twelve episodes to see this bitch toast, along with the rest of the viewers! Everyone instantly comes out of their fun, swirly mass hypnosis, clutching their aching heads, goggling at their toga party clothes, stratching idly at their diseased private parts and wondering where the fuck they’ve been for the last week. Only the saviours of Bon Temps know, are Bill and Sam BFF now? Sweet. Oh and Sookie knows, and Jason, Andy and that needy headcase Tara also kinda know. They better get together and get their collective bullshit story straight.

After briefly cuddling her semi-drained boyfriend, stroppy Sookie starts snapping out orders to various exhausted and traumatised people to get rid of the Tales From The Crypt corpse and the befuddled townsfolk. Andy gets his badge back, Jane Bodehouse finds her finger, Eggs is unfortunately still alive (but not for long, thank the absent gods) and across town Hoyt finally realises his momma is just as much of a spiteful ole bitch when she’s sober. I was hoping to see Jessica at the orgy to deal out some bitey fun but alas, she’s sulking somewhere.

Inexplicably, Sookie seems to forgive Tara all her crimes straight away, which she definitely does not deserve. Everyone watching the show hates her guts after loving her in Season 1, so we need a good redemption story next year or she’s a dead loss. Sam is crying on the porch after his near death experience, but Bill turns up and acts all gracious and hotter than chilli fries, kind of cheering him up. The long night then ends with a aww romance moment when Bill spoons with Sookie upstairs. Forty minutes ain’t long enough for good smut, especially after the evening from hell, so I don’t grumble too much. They’re gonna bribe me with more pearl clutching romance later on so I don’t even grumble at the buzzkill cliffhanger ending. Sneaky hmm?

It’s daytime, and everything is miraculously back to normal. Ole Charlaine is cameo-ing at the bar, Sookie and Tara are back at work, Jason and Andy declare themselves the heroes of Bon Temps, and Arlene is bribing her neglected kiddies with lots of deep fried treats. Maybe fairies came along and cleaned up the skank ass mess everywhere? This seems like a very unconvincing conclusion to the chaos without a ‘two weeks later’ disclaimer, but it is mildly saved by the two fat redneck chicks gleefully speculating over WTF happened and drooling over Sam, Terry’s awesome t shirt and Lafayette being his sparkly, cynical self. Uber fed up Mr Merlotte asks Sook to look after the bar so he can go on holiday and find his parents, which will give him something to do next season, and our obliging telepath/something else weird agrees. Because she’s so lovely and irresistible to everyone, she subsequently gets a surprise delivery which she skips outside to open. A pretty dress and a note from Bill, who must have been real busy with his cellphone in the hidey hole as how the hell did he arrange a dress and a bed and breakfast with French cuisine and dancing music? I nitpick, but I’m charmed out of my panties really. Then Eggs ruins the girly moment by turning up and freaking out of his empty gourd about all the hearts he’s stolen recently. Sookie has another nice but dim episode by reminding him of his killing spree at his request, and yep, he got hoodoo bus lady as well as Daphne and almost Sam.

Dusk falls, and Jessica is dolled up and ready to go out. I will give props to Bill for buying her such gorgeous clothes, as her cutey pie dresses are actually better than any of the stuff Sookie wears. Aww, he’s a bit of a deadbeat daddy but he has good taste. Suited and booted and wearing a gay tie, Daddy catches Jess on the way out and they have a long overdue bonding moment. They’re adorable together, but alas the sadistic writers have sinister plans for these two. Jess has succumbed to her crazy vampire impulse control issues and would much rather feed off truckers than go and make nice with Hoyt, and Bill’s glowing happiness is only going to last another couple of hours. In an unnamed location, Sam is calling on his step parents to get the names of his apparently bad real parents. Back at his bar, Eggs tries to give himself up to Andy but his shouting and waving the murder weapon around gets Jason all confused when he comes outside, and he finally gets to use Kid Glock. Eggs is dead, saving us all from his tedious company but Tara was rather attached to his ripped abs so she falls to pieces for the zillionth time. Great, she’s going to be a basket case and complete pain in the ass all next season isn’t she? For the last time, I want sweary Tara back NOW.

Now I have explained all the mini-cliffhangers, I can move to the OMG hot-OMG I can’t believe he just did that- what the fuck is WRONG with you Sookie-noooooo Bill cliffhanger! Yeppers, I’m fond of the idea of this couple, since the show creators sold them to me so well in Season 1, so I’m a complete teary eyed mess of aww at Sookie and Bill’s nice date. First of all, that dance was a fairly good substitute for sex, as there was enough deep smouldering glances and chemistry zapping around the room to light up Sook’s magic hands. And then after she scoffs her expensive dinner, the unexpected happens. I was sooooo not seeing that coming, and neither was Sookie. On being presented with tickets to Vermont and an engagement ring she spazzes out, weeping and dithering while Bill’s dead heart grows a few more cracks.

Like all cornered women, she bolts to the Ladies, taking the ring with her (LOL!), leaving the most romantic vampire evah to wait in waning hope at the dining table. While she weeps, smiles, preens and makes up her mind in the bathroom mirror, some scumbag takes poor Bill out with a silver chain and drags him off into the night, and when Sookie comes out squeaking yes baby, I’ll marry you, its too late. Dun DUN! Eric, Lorena, Queenie, or a combination of all? Prepare the rescue squad! If anyone does anything horrible to Bill I’ll fucking handbag them, bitches! I shake my fist at the screen for the last time this year, and we end.

Now my work is done here, I shall leave you with my personal list of bests and worsts (in no way indicative of the views of this site, or in any way logical, so no nitpicking, nerr). Feel free to post your own in the comments below. Goodbye, my dear, darling, sexy ass readers, and I will see y’all in 2010, um maybe?

Best Episodes: Episode 3 Scratches, Episode 8 Timebomb

Crappiest Episodes: Episode 11 Frenzy, Episode 9 I Will Rise Up

Most consistently loveable characters: Bill, Sam

Most annoying characters: Maryanne, Tara, Eggs

Most criminally underused character: Pam

Characters who used to suck but now rule: Andy, Jason

One shot character that rocked: Godric

The Crazyass Bitch Award: Lorena

The Awesome Super Villain Award: Eric

Horniest Scene Award: Bill and Sookie bitey makeup sex, Episode 1

Funniest Scene Award: Jason as the improvised God That Comes, Episode 10

Posted in Ep. 12 - Beyond Here Lies Nothing, Recaps, Reviews