True Blood News - Season 4 news and spoilers

This week, a crazy drunken fratvamp pinches Sookie's butt

This week’s episode, to me, was kinda like a meal with many flavours. One that is certainly tasty, but not exactly filling. In ‘I’m Alive and On Fire’, we got comedy, we got romance, we got despicable people doing what they do best, and we went just far enough into Wrongtown to make us comfortably uncomfortable. But in one hour of television, did we progress much further into our veritable buttload of storylines?

We pick up right after the Fairycide of last week, when godmother Claudine bit the dust (or, more accurately, became dust). Remember when we found out that fairy blood is so alluring to vamps because it was ‘delectable and intoxicating’? Well, they meant literally intoxicating, as Eric has taken a cue from one of Anna Paquin’s other films and is now at the ‘I AM A GOLDEN GOD!’ level of epic drunkenness. Except instead of a golden god drunk he’s a viking sea god drunk. And before that he was a lecherous ass grabber drunk, a ‘you can’t catch me’ drunk, and a doing a disappearing act a ‘la The Hangover drunk. Basically, he’s become every type of hideously wasted friend you’ve ever had all at one time. You’d think working at a bar would mean Sookie has mastered the art of dealing with over indulgers, but I guess a boozed up redneck and a fairyed up vamp are two completely different things, as all she can seem to do is continue her motherly scolding (‘You drank the whole fairy, now you’re going to your room!’) and try to cover her neck should Eric fancy a cocktail after his bender of hard liquor.

If Bill fucks up, Nan gets to touch his ass! (Oh please Bill... fuck it up!)

The rascally little scamp might be enjoying himself, but he’s causing some problems in the kingdom of Louisiana. King Bill demands to know his whereabouts from Pam, who of course is a dutiful child and plays clueless, taking a sizable risk to her own well being as she’s committing treason and Bill has no problem dealing with offenders in drastic ways, as she reminds him in her usual bitchy Pam way. But even Pam could take some pointers from Nan Flanagan, who is so proficient in the art of being a Superbitch that’s it’s actually hard to hate her. She’s so not impressed that Bill has lost one of his sheriffs just to stop a bunch of hippies. In her mind, he’s entirely overreacted because ‘They don’t make necromancers the way they used to.’ They are really giving her some awesome lines this season, and its doing wonders to make her one of those great characters you just love to hate.

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Before I get into (mostly) impartial recappage mode, can I just say that I loved this episode? I think it may have had more laugh out loud moments than any other episode ever, and I thank you, illustrious creator, for penning this slice of hilarity. Granted, there were also some things that were just straight up pretzel shaped, but we’ll get into that later.

Okay gals, ‘fess up. Which one of you slipped Eric the roofie? Attempted date-rape by fangirl can really be the only explanation for his current state, because…oh wait, that’s right, y’all really are innocent of this crime because it was Marnie and the Merry Wiccans (awesome band name right there) and that blasted curse.

"Did you like this episode?" "OMG! I loved this episode, I am still LOL! (also damn you look nice Sam Merlotte!)"

Eric is still dazed and confused, but is thoroughly enjoying Sook’s heavenly aroma of wheat and honey and sunlight. Sounds like a combo that would make a great Body Shop product. Fairy scented body butter, anyone? She smells so delish to him that he just can’t help but attempt to acquire a little sample, and that’s when the chuckles are unleashed. She socks him in his pretty little face and he whines about his nose being broken, and if that wasn’t enough to set him straight she spits out ‘I am not your fuckin’ dinner!’ a line beaten in this exchange only by Eric calling her Snooki instead of Sookie. I have been waiting for that to happen even since the explosion of Jersey Shore, and I literally almost fell off the couch laughing. Marnie really has done an outstanding wipe job on the poor guy, because the last thing he remembers is being near the sea back in the land of ABBA and Volvos, long before such fine Swedish exports were around, obviously. He knows that he’s a vamp, but he’s lost everything else. The fact that he looks so completely and adorably helpless manages to convince Sook that this is not one of those famous Northmanellian schemes, and she agrees to help him after instructing him, in the manner of how one would talk to a disobedient child, that he cannot touch her or bite her.

"Stay away from my special lady friend... Snooki"

Once they get back to Casa de Sook, it becomes obvious that the man-child analogy really is a good one. He gets muddy footprints on her rug, needs to have his feet washed and is even ticklish. Yes, the mighty Eric Northman does have a weakness, and it’s breaking into giggles if you touch his tootsies. Sook calls Pam, interrupting her while she’s feeding on a hot, slightly over-enthusiastic guy (‘Suck that neck!’), and she’s there in a jiffy…only to get smacked by her clueless maker after she threatens to make Sook her next meal if she goes to Bill for help. It’s a testament to how much the usually emotionless Pam cares about Eric that we see her properly flustered and borderline pleading with Sookie. Quite reasonably, she believes that Bill sent Eric to investigate the coven knowing full well something nasty awaited him as another attempt to remove him permanently from the Sookie picture. Since Fangtasia would be the first place they’d look if they want to finish the job, Pam insists that Sook hide Eric at her place. After all, he does own it anyway. Eric’s quite pleased that his new fairy friend is actually his tenant; Sook is just wishing that Pam kept her damn mouth shut so he’d still be blissfully oblivious. But since he’s not, Sook figures now is as good a time as any to have one of her bold, empowered moments, and demands payment for her vampsitting duties. Pam is not impressed, but really doesn’t have a choice. She’s clearly not aware that any member of Team Eric would take him for free. Hell, they’d probably pay her.

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"Garden (cemetery) side property, minor (major) repairs necessary, delicious blonde fairy (not) included!"

Hi everyone! My name is Jess, and I’m majorly stoked to be the newest contributor here at TB-N!

A bit about me. Well, I think the only thing you really need to know is that I’m a massive nerd who loves to write, and I love it even more when people actually read my nerdy musings and find them entertaining! In recent times and certainly right now, the focus of my writing has been some wacky-ass show called True Blood. I am a native of that bizarre island down under that may be just as dangerous as Bon Temps (that would be Australia, Melbourne to be exact), although at this very moment I am in the US of A at the tail end of a several months long world adventure. As to why I feel worthy to take up valuable TB-N interwebs space, when at home in Melbourne I attend a fine institution called RMIT (anyone else?) where I actually study this crazy thing called writing. I also run a blog called Pop Cult Pirate, where in addition to TB episode reviews I cover movies, music and other TV shows.

So after skipping a year and playing a fun little game of catch up/fill-in-the-blanks-with-your-own-wacky-theories last week, this week in episode 4.02, ‘You Smell Like Dinner’ we find out that a) It really doesn’t take long for things to get seven shades of crazy once again in ‘lil old Bon Temps (which I’m sure left us all gaping in shock, I for one, was expecting perfect normalness filtered through a rainbow of gaiety…) and b) What actually happened in that year may just be wackier, not to mention more ripe for discussion, than we even thought.

We start the episode with Jason tied to a bed and getting enthusiastically licked, a situation I’m sure Mr Stackhouse has been in many a time. I’m thinking all those other times he probably wasn’t in Hotshot, a place where even Cleetus from the Simpsons would consider just a wee bit trashy, he probably wasn’t bleeding from a head wound and the licker probably wasn’t a teenage boy. But it’s Jason, so you never know. Deputy Jason’s cop senses are tingling and he suspects that the fine young hillbillies guarding over him are really not the ones responsible for his current predicament, a suspicion that’s confirmed when Felton, Crystal’s V-addicted, loose cannon of a werepanther fiancé, comes barging in wielding a shotgun and telling Jason in no uncertain terms that ‘You’re the one who’s about to get fucked!’ With that choice of words and the fact that Jason’s tied to a bed I didn’t know whether he was about to get shot or raped. Either way, he’s in a spot of bother. But back to that later.

Sookie is trying her best to get away from Eric and his massive cloud of smugness that has come with him buying her house. Even though Eric had his differences with Russell, it seems he might agree with the former King’s assessment that you can indeed buy anything in America, even Sookie. He doesn’t seem to grasp the fact that the house and the Sook are not a package deal. Come on Eric, everyone knows real estate ads are a crock of shit. How could somebody of your age and wisdom be so easily fooled by something like ‘Garden (cemetery) side property, minor (major) repairs necessary, delicious blonde fairy (not) included!’?  He then goes on to suggest that there are two Sookies (he didn’t mean it literally, but I think that would be a pretty awesome storyline), boring Sookie who just wants to be human, and saucy Sookie who embraces her fairy blood and makes comments about spreading her legs. That minx! Eric likes when this one comes out. He gives her some pretty convincing reasons as to why she should just buckle and become ‘his’, most notably that she could definitely use the protection and also that he must care about her in his own unsentimental Eric-y way, because he could have could have used her as a fairy blood buffet and hasn’t.

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I want to introduce a new contributor here at TB-N; please welcome Crix Lee! Crix is Editor-in-Chief of GirlGamer.com; staff writer at DreadCentral.com; film/tv columnist (“The Frame Rate”) at PopGalaxy.com; contributing writer for GeekWeek.com and guess what else? A huge True Blood fan! Here’s her take on what the hell went down on the season premiere. Welcome to TB-N Crix! – Liv

Okay, darlings. It’s my first day and last night was a bit of a doozy so be gentle :)

And away we go!!!

Season 4 opens with a party…a very strange party…sprinkled with faery/human hybrids and faeries so beautiful that a Victoria’s Secret model would look somewhat plain.  While the faeries stand around looking really, ridiculously good looking, the humans eat something that resembles a radioactive peach called a lumiere (a.k.a. “light fruit”) like it was crack.

My Godmother is sexier than your Godmother!

In a flash of light, Sookie and Claudine appear in the middle of it all where she runs into Barry the Bellhop (from the vampire hotel) with his “faery godmother” or as I like to call him, “faery HOTmother”, Lloyd (I know, right?).  Claudine then explains to Sookie that she’s her “faery godmother” to which Sookie replies ”Well if your job is to look after me, can I just say, you suck?” Not to be outdone, her Claudine retorts that Sookie seems to find trouble wherever she goes…and Sookie can only smile in a “touche” kind of way.

Barry and Sookie talk and each take a light fruit from a server’s tray. As Sookie scans the room she realizes that only some are eating it and the strange behavior it creates, she advises Barry not to eat it just yet – but it’s too late, he’s sunk in and enjoying the fruit immensely.  As she turns away she notices a familiar face sucking on a light fruit and upon closer inspection…it turns out to be her Granddaddy Earl (played by Gary Cole) who disappeared without a trace 20 years earlier and hasn’t aged a day.

As she and Grandaddy sit on a bench and talk, flashes of not so nice things like sludge oozing from the walls and rotting fruit are beginning to appear… Sook then (although I’m not sure WHY) telepaths to Granddaddy “We gots to get the EFF out of here. IT’S A TRAP!” but she might as well just said it out loud as EVERYONE there can read minds and are aware of what she said.

As if on cue, the Queen of the faeries, Mab, arrives. As Mab and Sookie gab, Sookie is noticing that Mab goes from beautiful to Gollum with breasts.  When Mab gets all up in Sookie’s grill to try the light fruit, Sookie tells her to step off – slapping the fruit away and everything gets ugly; the fruit, the faeries, the scenery, EVERYTHING. Turns out the faeries are “harvesting” the faerie/human hybrids because they feel they shouldn’t be allowed to return to Earth because Vampire Bill followed Sookie into fairyland.

When Mab tries to put her badly manicured hands on Sookie to force her to eat the stupid fruit, Sook uses her luminating bitch slap to get free of her grasp and it quickly goes from True Blood to “Saving Private Sookie” as Granddaddy Earl and Sookie run for the hills (literally) while faery grenades explode around them.

Not sure where to go next, they receive help from a rebel sect of faeries (turns out the leader is Claude, brother of Claudine) who helps them jump the portal to home but warns that it will only be okay if they’ve not eaten the light fruit.  As Sookie contemplates the meaning of life, Granddaddy pushes them both through the portal and seals his own fate.  The very NANOsecond they hit the ground in Bon Temps cemetery, Bill and Eric feel her presence but it’s daylight, so…sucks for them.

Anybody else think it's weird these two sleep in their clothes?

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CE sadly fled the nest and she took the booze with her. I’ll do my best to recap, but I can never replace the wonderfully talented and snarky CitizenErased. She is dearly missed by all. Since this is my first recap, be kind and do a virgin a favor and don’t be too harsh.

What has True Blood done to us now? The final episode without a doubt, at some point during the episode, left fans with a dropped jaw and a what-the-fuck expression strung across their faces. Evil is going on is exactly what this episode is about. No one is discovering anything, it’s always been there. It’s just rearing its evil head. That’s what’s going on, character evolution.

While Eric and Russell are frying like an egg in grease out in the parking lot of Fangtasia, Godric appears in an Obi Wan Kenobi fashion. I can’t say this moment did much for me since I was waiting for Godric to say, “These aren’t the vampires you’re looking for.” However, the thought of Eric’s cheese sliding off his cracker in a time of soul healing revenge had me giggling. Eric has now become the vampire whisperer.

"Use the force Eric ... Sookie did."

Back inside, Pam is an emotional wreck watching Eric on the monitor like it’s breaking news on CNN. All we needed was a scrolling caption on the bottom that read, “Eric Northman challenges the sun.” At last, never fear, fairy Sookie is here! Being the good-hearted but not-so-smart human, she decides to run outside and rescue Eric. While outside, Russell taunts her inability to use her power to get a small pair of cuffs off. In return, she plays shuffleboard with Russell and tosses him across the parking lot.

Once safely inside and after munching on some Sookie crack, Eric shares his Obi Wan moment and desires to rescue Russell. Bill is opposed of course because well, it’s just a stupid idea. However, when Bill and Eric get fangy with it, Sookie decides to go get Russell herself. Russell, who now looks like someone pasted burnt Frosted Flakes all over his face, is tied to the stripper pole while everyone goes to take a vamp nap.

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"Don't Mind Sweet Little Ol' Me, as I Smile and Put Your Beloved Down the Drain

My apologies to all you fan(g)s who wait so patiently every week for the irrepressible CE’s Excitable Recaps. She’s unexpectedly retired and everyone at the Nest is exhausted from working on BotF, which leaves you with grumpy ol’ buzz-kill me to recap Season 3′s finale. (And seriously, haven’t these ladies been amazing with the Battle? Round of applause, if you will, for fans raising nearly $70,000 for two worthy charities and because Steve and Alex are such great guys.)

Once again, my “recap” is really more “critique,” written with all due respect, as I attempt to make sense of what went down Sunday night. I seriously doubt my ability to be excitable, let alone snarky or witty or anything other than honest and… well… rather irrationally devastated. But I’ll do my best! Just a friendly reminder that I speak only for myself, not for the Nest (who’s simply kind enough to let me play in their sandbox), so if you want to gather up some friends, hot tar, and feathers, please come looking for me and not anyone else.

What happened to my show? I’m honestly not a fan of expletive, but since everyone else got to drop f-bombs, I will too: What the Fuck? This is me, alternating between shaking my head and banging it against the keyboard. In all fairness, that question is not just for the finale, but for the entire season. While the good moments really shine and showcase the exceptionally talented group of actors HBO assembled, the season has been a series of episodes that are full of inconsistencies, don’t really stand on their own, and seem to merely transition to what’s happening next. True Blood is careening out of control, like Lafayette’s carnival-ride V-trip, and I keep desperately looking for a reasonable explanation or, failing that, an exit.

With all due respect to Mr. Ball, who penned the finale script, I’m not sure anyone could’ve prevented the inevitable train-wreck, but I must confess that I was holding my breath and hoping for a miracle, something along the lines of a True Blood Season 3 version of the final 9 minutes of Six Feet Under, when against all odds, everything made sense and came together in a poetic and sublimely beautiful way. Unfortunately, that’s not what happened Sunday night.

What did happen was a whole lot of fuckedupness: Bill’s been cast in a vampiric remake of The Matrix. Sookie finally realized what she (and her many talents) is worth and bargained brilliantly, even if I didn’t believe for a second she was serious about having Russell kill Eric and Bill. She saved everyone from a nasty final death, only to rescind any and all invitations and then be abducted by aliens. Russell Edgington managed to keep his cool (pun intended), not to mention his delightful southern charm (including his penchant for calling Sookie “sweetie”) as he was burning. That man is magnificent - not even being made-up as the Kingsford charcoal spokesman while silvered to a stripper’s pole slows him down. Brava, your Majesty.

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Happily Never After, Bitches

This week on True Blood, Sookie is very, very done with this shit, Pam is packing vampire mace, the Talbot goo is probably starting to reek, Sam will hopefully stop being really fuckin’ rude ‘cos he got laid, Russell falls for Eric’s bullshit again, the return of fat ole Momma Fortenberry (yay!), and Bill wants to retire and grow vegetables … um, random.

Hell hath no fury like a stripper scorned!

Alas, the end is nigh. Two weeks from now this madness will be over, and I shall be bereft of snark opportunities and will return my attention to grown-up shit like spring cleaning and gardening (which I hate, so Bill is totally welcome to come around and help with that shit and like, shag me in the potato patch afters). I don’t know whether it’s because I’m a disgusting, snot nosed, hacking diseased hag laid up in bed with the ‘flu this week, but I cannot get excited about the last episode or particularly spazzed up about the season finale. I feel ‘meh’; that Zen state of fan geek indifference caused by a sensory overload of tits and ass, gore, inventive swearing, lying sneaky headfuckery, an annoying heroine who gets chomped and beaten up all the time, and not very exciting Supes. It wasn’t that the episode was a write off, because it had some fantastic bits (I love it when Bill and Eric fight, even if it’s for show … bring it, bitches!). It just had too much shit in there I didn’t find particularly compelling at this point in proceedings. Less Bon Temps domestic dramas, more vamp mayhem please. And what happened to the useless werewolves? I miss their hairy asses. Are they saving more crazy ole Debbie Pelt for next year?