True Blood News - Season 4 news and spoilers

Alternate Title: The Latest Recap Ever. AKA: Jess finally goes back to work and everything goes out of wack.

Sorry guys, what buggered timing that this had to happen in finale week. This is now like, days too late, which in internet time is like ancient history. But please read it anyway! Go on, it’s not like you have next week to look forward to or anything.

Off we go!

After being forcefully inhabited by the ceiling-dwelling poltergeist that is the scorned, afterlife version of Marnie last week, Lafayette sits at the breakfast table on the porch staring at Jesus with a kind of ‘dead behind the eyes with occasional flashes of disdain’ look. It’s very creepy in a deceiving, subtle sort of way, bravo Nelsan Ellis for once again instantly nailing the possessed by a lady thang. Jesus thinks this look might be his boyfriend nursing some sort of magical hangover from the craziness of the events at Moon Goddess, and is apologising for pushing him into magic, suggesting a magic-free life from now on and urging him to eat his not-fried-in-pig-fat (mmm mmm!) but still delicious breakfast. After giving him an off-to-work kiss he notices that things may not be quite right in LaLa land, but takes a fork straight through the hand before he can figure out what the whats going on in there. Well, that’s not a very nice way to say thanks for the eggs.

Marnie/Laf (Marfayette? Gawd, how many of these have I had to make up?) duct tapes Jesus to a chair and his hand drip drip drips blood like a leaky tap as he tries to get the real Lafayette to overthrow Marnie’s influence. He manages to get back to himself just long enough to call Marnie a (what else) bitch before she threatens to cut out his eyeball and feed it to him. Jesus obviously doesn’t want this to happen, so is ready to negotiate. The demand? ‘I want your magic, brujo. All of it.’ Well, of course that’s what she wants. There’s just one problem though: ‘You can’t trade magic like fuckin’ Pokémon cards!’ But Marnie doesn’t really care that taking the secret stuff of brujos is more complicated then just handing over Pikachu, and starts slicing Lafayette’s chest with the big-ass kitchen knife she’s wielding until Jesus can’t take it any more and agrees to her demands. He recites a spell in Spanish and as the demon head appears Marfayette plunges the knife into his chest and licks the blood. Poké-swap complete. RIP Jesus. We’ll miss you, Ale-ale-jandro!

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Since nearly every character and everything that happened this week was at Moon Goddess, I’ll get the couple of things that were not out of the way first.

Marcus and Alcide are still at the motorbike shop questioning Nate about Marcus’ whereabouts. Nate is being uncooperative and all-around smartassy. ‘Marcus is in New Mexico. He’s in Brazil. He’s in Timbuktu. With yo momma.’ Then Luna runs in, and a certain creepy, Charles Manson-esque packmaster must now be wearing a stripy red sweater and pompom hat because she too is asking ‘Where’s Marcus?’ And she’s in quite a panic because Emma has gone missing, which means her daddy probably nabbed her right out of school. Marcus isn’t dressed like Wally and he’s not in Timbuktu either, but she was right about him taking Emma. He’s still at Debbie’s, and they’re busy having this never-ending scene where she’s lying around in her panties and saying things like ‘I like you. I really do. But I love Alcide’ (yawn) and he’s all like ‘You’re filling the baby void with V. Run away with me so Emma can have a were-mommy’ (zzzz), and did I mention it just wouldn’t end?!

Admit it! You're a shortass!

They were yapping so long that they probably could have been in Mexico by now, which is where the fearing the worst Luna thinks they may have headed, until Emma gets bored of colouring and uses the house phone to call her mommy. The quick-thinking Sam is urging her to check the number, but the Yellow Pages won’t be needed anyway as Alcide recognises it as his home number and off they go to the house. Luna wants Emma back, Sam wants revenge for Tommy and Alcide wants to know why Marcus and Emma are at his house anyway, and I gotta say with only one episode left to tie up all the other goings on, getting every shifter and were that matters in one house all in one big mess was a rather good idea. Alcide and Debbie’s bedroom gets royally trashed as Sam and Marcus have a no-shifting-allowed brawl, while Alcide keeps shoving Debbie to keep her out of it and growling at her to shut up. Mr Merlotte and his badass, average-heighted self comes up trumps over ugly-haired midget Marcus, sparing his life but leaving him with an amazing line to chew on: ‘You are pathetic and weak and small. Live with that.’ Let’s all just be Team Sam methinks, at least he settles shit like a man. Marcus is a sneaky little fucker though, and grabs Sam’s gun and takes a shot at him after Sam has the good grace to let his sorry ass go…only to get tackled by Alcide and get his throat crushed. Eek. I knew he wouldn’t stay cuddly and perfect forever. Wonder if he really meant to kill him though?

Abjured, bitch!

Debbie seems stunned and probably upset about this, but before she can say much Alcide delivers the ultimate in harsh breakup lines: ‘I abjure you’, aka ‘You’re dead to me.’ Cold! I don’t think Debbie deserved that, but I guess this will be the catalyst for her going back into psychobitch mode. Add it to the laundry list of things to be fit into one hour next week. Or will the Pelt monster be back in season five?

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By the power of a thousand bug zappers, I compel you: remember!

We pick up right where we left off at the Festival of Chaos and Bloodshed and Guttings Tolerance, where there are now four Terminator vamps on a regicide mission. Nan is not surprisingly still most concerned with destroying all the television cameras to avoid a PR disaster, but does manage to take out Blackburn by staking him with a pencil. How disappointing, the most interesting sheriff of the lot done in by stationery. Antonia and Roy are watching from the wings, like this whole spectacle of carnage is the greatest show ever and all they’re missing is some salty, overpriced snacks. Maybe they think they’re in the crowd enjoying some action from the new Vampire Wrestling Federation, as Eric is doing a pretty good job of throwing Bill around the room and even getting him in a headlock, which is broken up by Sookie jumping on his back. The second it takes Eric to swat her off is enough for GangstaBill to re-emerge (yesss!) and pop a cap in all three remaining vamps. Even though I love that he’s apparently packing heat everywhere he goes now, it does a fat lot of good because Eric just pulls the bullet out and throws him through the table full of Say No To Hate/AVL 4 LIFE/Team Flanagan merchandise. He’s about to sink a flagpole into Bill but is stopped by Sook, who summons her most impressive, double-fisted ball of fairy light yet and hurls it at the Blond One in all its zappy glory. Or should I say zappy memory restoring glory, as after it hits him we’re treated to the greatest hits of Eric Northman, now available for the first time ever in a snazzy six-second montage! Order now for your free ‘We got busy in Narnia?!’ befuddled facial expression! So all this time Eric was just in need of some electroshock therapy. Those AVL cheapskates, couldn’t even foot the bill for a good psychiatrist.

Now that the assassination is off everybody can re-group at Bill’s. Eric remembers everything, even the post-cursing romance with Blond One #2, who isn’t looking particularly happy that the Eric with a disposition of a Twinkie is no more. He can’t understand what the big deal is, since he hasn’t changed, he’s just got some extra filling. I guess that would make him a Snickers now, since he got his nuts back. But she insists it has nothing to do with him or what confection he now resembles, its that the near-staking has combined with the sexy couch fantasy to make her realise that she still loves Bill, and I guess being with one when she loves both would make her feel guilty or something highly inconvenient like that. Or, maybe it would just be too much of a compromise and she really did mean it when she said in the dream that it’s both or nothing. In which case I’ll say it again: you greedy slut! Snickers is not happy about this and tries to pull the ‘You are mine’ card, but Sook says she never agreed to anything of the sort. He then tries the ‘I love you’ card but is left hanging, then the moment is interrupted by Pam, who is probably happier than anyone to have her badass Viking back. Although not happy enough to muster up anything more than a quick ‘Well thanks’ and some frosty glares to Sook. That Pam, always a softie. I bet she’s working on the ‘Thanks for un-cursing my maker’ gift pie as we speak.

No soup for you! A true death on the other hand...

Flanagan is with Bill in his office laying out her plan to steal his civil rights analogy to put a spin on the violence that occurred. Except Bill hates her more than ever, especially since her media image-centric ‘No dead humans’ rule got in the way of him dealing with Marnie when she was, well, still Marnie, and now he’s fucking had it with her. Her and the mysterious ‘factions’, who are mentioned once again. ‘You’re not in charge anymore, and we’re taking the necromancer out. By any means necessary.’ Including sending Antonia to a fiery demise yet again, this time with the rather more modern and dramatic tactic of blowing up Moon Goddess and everyone in it. Including Tara who saved his ass and all the other humans, who will just be some unfortunate collateral in a war that will prevent a potential genocide. Sook is less than happy about the plan and leaves to start formulating one of her own, and all the vamps go to ground in silver again. Nan is trying to show Bill that she’s still boss by sentencing him to a painful and degrading execution, but he’s too busy compiling his shopping list for Explosives ‘R Us to pay her any mind. So she just starts handing out True Deaths to Eric and Pam as well. Yeah, turns out she was saying ‘True death for you’ and not ‘No soup for you’. Jess doesn’t give a rat’s who gets what soup or even what the hell they’re doing just as long as she can kill some shit.

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Don't make me force feed you!

Out of the cemetery and into the frying pan…

After emerging from the fog with the wounded damsel like a chivalrous hero of ye olde days, Alcide runs towards Sookie’s house to probably call an ambulance or something normal like that. But c’mon, normal is not allowed here, and sorry Alcide, but you are just running too damn slow. Somebody vamp speeds up, snatches Sookie right out of his arms, and bowls him over in the process. It’s Bill, who’s fought off the silver-wielding witches and is now apologising, telling Alcide to shut the fuck up (love it when he cusses) and trying to get the unconscious Sook to drink his blood. Which she can’t do because she’s, um, unconscious. What a pickle.

Bill must have some creative ways to administer vamp-style first aid though, because when we next see Sook she’s awake and healed. Did he just let it gush into her mouth and make her swallow it? Was there some IV equipment handy in the medicine cabinet? Either that or she did just wake up and they didn’t think that was important enough to show. I’m just gonna go with that, because my theories of exactly how he got that blood in her are becoming outlandish and just a bit creepy. Because this is Sookie ‘Danger is my middle name’ Stackhouse and brushes with death are now the equivalent of say, a paper cut or a bumped shin, the first thing she says is not ‘WTF just happened?’ or ‘I appear to have a bloody hole in my shirt’, but ‘Where’s Eric?’ Bill’s all like ‘My minions is on it’, Alcide is like ‘Youse are batshit and I is outta here’, then Sook is like ‘Awkward…silence. And oh, thanks for the blood!’ Like her friendly neighbour had just loaned her a cup of sugar or something. Oh, those two. So Sookie was shot, perilously close to death and restored to full health in the space of about 30 seconds of screen time. Wow, that is like, the tiniest of tiny blips in the grand scheme of things! Honestly, you’d think they did all that just to get more of Bill’s blood in her!

I knew I should have silvered you over your mouth.

Instead of a well-deserved rest after an eventful night, Bill instead goes home to be stuck in the slumber party from hell as he’s playing host to Jessica (distraught from her breakup and getting kicked out of two houses) and NanFlan (spending the day at Hotel Compton before the Tolerance Festival tomorrow). Jess is a blubbering mess, Flanagananigans is in her usual fine form, and they’re all once again under silver just in case. It’s no wonder the King’s in a bit of a temper and in no mood to absorb Nan’s supreme bitchiness in silence. She thinks this whole witchy shitstorm is all his fault and can’t believe he’s lost Eric again. ‘You actually make me long for Sophie-Anne’ she says. Heh, only because those two probably had some good times together, if you catch my drift. Bill can’t believe her main priority is still putting on a show for CNN et cetera when Eric may be under Antonia’s spell, and slams her lack of accountability. The effort was valiant but the festival is going ahead, now with added instructions for the miffed King to be in a ‘festive and tolerant fucking mood.’ God, I want to slap that woman. But I probably wouldn’t be able to stop laughing long enough. Read More »

'You just saved my life...and that tight cop shirt is sexy.'

Sing it together everyone! ‘I put a spell on yooouuu…’ Actually, just watch the video, and then marvel at the fact that certain bits of this weeks uber-witchy ep ‘Spellbound’ were even more bizarre than that batshit performance by Screamin’ Jay.

Since last week ended with a very busy cliffhanger indeed, we kick off with a bit of a rewind, and one in sloooowww moooootion to boot. The crystal chandelier is swaying ever so dangerously, the magic of the ‘Resurrection’ spell is still heavy in the air, Jessica has once again reached the door, she’s opened it to a flood of gloriously bright sunlight, and…out of said light bursts Jason Stackhouse. He wraps her up in the stylish zebra rug and kicks the doors shut, saving the motherfuckin’ day. Yeah! Jason, you are a real life, honest to Jesus hero. Since the spell is still in effect and all Jess is thinking is ‘sunsunsunsunsunsun’, she’s not too appreciative of this and is perhaps thinking of replacing the dead zebra rug with a dead Jason one. Luckily for him (and Bill’s cleaning staff) Antonia and the Wiccan Circle of Doom must have decided that they’ve spellogised enough to make all the vamps into charcoal piles and the spell is broken. Under her own faculties again and realising who she’s about to chomp into, Jess goes from savage to thankful before you can say ‘Hoyt’ and kisses Jason. He hesitates for the briefest of moments before returning it and then some, as they make out on the floor of the entrance foyer while Bill breaks down in tears back in the holding cell fearing that the worst has occurred. Heres a tip for your next near death experience Jess: try to ignore the tight police shirted hunk just long enough to tell your devastated maker that you haven’t burnt to a crisp, mmkay?

Jason’s chivalry continues as he carries her back to the silver prison, looking a little splotchy faced and weak but otherwise fine. She’s probably more guilty than anything else as Bucky is lying dead in a pool of blood after she head-clonked him last week. She feels awful even as Bill tries to assure her that is was Antonia’s fault and not hers, and Jason sets to re-silvering her in case the spell is only temporarily broken. He comforts her by insisting she think happy thoughts of summer barbecuing, before realising that’s probably not the best thing to say to someone who’s just been barbecued and changes the calming images to moonlight and Tru Blood as Bill rolls his eyes. Jason and Bill are always great together. In the one scene per season they get. We find out that the gunshot we heard was Jason shooting the front door guard in the shoulder (smart move, Stackhouse!) and he and Bill agree to keep all injuries and deaths on the down low.

The Smiling Assassin

Jessica clearly has a lot to reflect on after her brush with sunlight and heads home to Hoyt to hash out their relationship issues. She admits to him and to herself that there’s a hunger inside her she just can’t control, and that playing happy domestic couple just doesn’t do it for her. Hoyt doesn’t react to well to this, to say the least. He’s instantly on his knees in a weeping, snivelling mess, apologising for everything and begging her to love him because he can’t live without her. Wow Hoyt, I know you love the girl but I really wasn’t expecting a reaction this…pathetic? He’s practically hyperventilating as he repeats that he’ll just die without her, and Jess just gets so exasperated at this that she yells ‘Then die!’ and smashes his head against a shelf. Whoa! Ok, so my reaction was ‘This is totes a dream, no way would she kill him’ which then changed to ‘She’s a baby vamp, she has serious impulse control issues and that little display showed a complete and utter lack of balls. Holy shit, she just killed him.’ You got me, AB, for about three seconds I was good and got! Of course any illusion of reality was gone as soon as she got into a car with Jason and his only reaction to her being covered in blood was that she looked sexy and should bite and fuck him at the same time. Still, it’s a bit brutal that in Jess’s subconscious Hoyt is an unwashed, singlet wearing, pride-less crybaby and she would run off with his best friend at the drop of a hat.

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Antonia Gavilán de Logroño

‘It is Antonia Espanola Mumbleo Jumbleo, and I am returned.’ Thanks to ZZ giving me the proper spelling of this mouthful of a name (I’m Australian. We no speaka da Spanish here) I now know that it was more like Antonia Gavilán de Logroño, but that one line was pretty much the reason for nearly everything that happened in this weeks super intense episode, as a sorceress scorned sets out to prove that, even 400 years late, revenge is a dish best served wrapped in silver chains and on fire.

But lets start at the beginning. Technology and video games are indeed rotting the brains of the youth of today. I mean, ferchrisakes not even somebody guarding a highly dangerous prisoner can keep their nose out of their iPad for two seconds! Katarina is busy playing Angry Birds or something (I also don’t playa da computer games) when she hears a bit of a kerfuffle in Marnie’s cell. When she sees sheriff Luis all up in Marnie’s business threatening to eat her and whatnot she thinks she’s got it all under control with her silver-bullet gun. Little does she know, Luis is already under the control of Marntonia and was faking the whole thing. Psych! Puppet-Luis gets Katarina on the ground and she has no choice but to order the other guards to move so Marnie can make good her escape, but that doesn’t stop her from getting her throat crushed. RIP #1. Since she now has a fully controllable man-servant at her command, Marnie has the obvious request: ‘Make me a ham sandwich. With a pickle.’ Psych! Its actually to relay to King Bill the above mentioned message, which means from now on I’ll be referring to The Artist Formerly Known As Marnie just as Antonia. It also means the vamps are under siege by a spirit who is a pissed off ball of magical fury with a centuries old grudge. Nice.

Debate over which vamp was the most gangster did not end amicably

Bill is in his office about to indulge in a glass of vino. Well, I’m sure its just blood in a carafe but he totally has this ‘I wish I could get wasted so I could drown my sorrows’ look on his face. Puppet-Luis shows up confessing that he’s done a bad bad thing, but Bill barely has time to ponder how in the blue hell a burnt up corpse is sending him a message, because Luis pulls Katie’s gun and pulls off a textbook mafia hit. Or what would have been textbook if Bill had actually, ya know, died. Instead he recovers enough to grab his own gun out of the desk drawer and pops one in Luis. Bill has a gun in his desk? Brilliant. Even brillianter? This was like Boardwalk Empire with fangs. I’m totally pitching a TV series about Mafioso vampires. Bill beats him in getting to the fancy ceremonial stake and is demanding answers, but all he gets is ‘Resurrection’ before Luis stakes himself.  C’mon dude, not on the fancy new décor! Bill’s office = the new Sookie’s living room. That’s RIP #2. Already.

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Eric may not know much, but he does know to bow to his king

I have never been a superstitious person, but holy crap on a cracker! After seeing this week’s episode I will henceforth be hermited safely indoors whenever there is a full moon, because it clearly causes some freaky deeky goings on to occur. Honestly, its like every season tries to out-freak the last, and the freak-o-meter is now close to exploding. So, let’s get into it.

Sookie and Eric take their sucky-face fun times from the porch to the sofa, now minus cheeseball music and also minus some clothes.  He tells her that her half nekkid bod is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen, with ‘ever’ of course meaning ‘in the last three days.’ They have about ten seconds to remain blissfully unaware that Pam has snitched on them before Bill arrives, takes a moment to, um, get even angrier, launches himself in Eric’s direction and they have an AWESOME fight! That would have been more fun to watch, but hardly realistic as Eric is old and strong enough to swat Bill away like a fly. What really happens is that Bill gets in a couple of punches that are probably more like bitch slaps, then gets Darth Vadered, thrown into the fireplace and threatened with a poker. Oooh, how humiliating, and for a king too! When Eric finds out that the guy he vamphandled is actually his liege he’s instantly apologetic and obedient, which Bill seems to realise is iffy and sooo not Eric. Still, he kind of hates the guy and is seething with jealousy and a wounded ego, so it’s into Bill’s Big House, for you big blonde!

"I will poke you Mr. Compton! Wait, no?"

The new authority-respecting Eric doesn’t put up a fight, but Sook is all in a tizzy. Since she knows Eric isn’t really a danger to other vamps, she calls Bill out that he may be doing this just because he’s miffed that somebody else is about to get into her pants, even though he’s been in a whole bunch of pants and necks (and descendants.) He’s totally in complete a-hole mode, especially when he pulls out this very un-gentlemanly zinger: ‘Believe it or not, my entire existence doesn’t revolve around what or who is between your legs.’ Oh snap! Please give Bill a few more lines where he’s an insensitive jerk, because that was amazing. All his a-holery and hogwash about it being vampire business is just getting Sook more worked up, and the king has better things to do than listen to her wailing, so he just gets his ninjas to escort her out the door and threatens to arrest her if she comes back. Ejected!

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