Season Five Afterblood – Finale Recap and Special Awards

By Jess on Sep 1 2012 at 1:41 am | 22 Comments »

Did you think I’d thrown in my trusty recappers pen a week early? With all the manic post-episode discussion that went on I thought I’d let everyone have their fun with their praise/confusion/fury/cancellation of HBO, let things cool to a tepid room temperature and revisit both the shocking finale and Season Five as a whole.

Episode 512 – ‘Save Yourself’

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Au revoir, Mr Edgington

Now here was a shocking way to begin a finale. The fairies, exposed for a hungry Russell to see, turn on the turbo chargers and begin to electric blast him en masse. Due to the copious amounts of Miss Elder that he just guzzled down like a fine vintage drop, the beams of destruction are now only beams of a pleasant tingling sensation. But before he can cross into the Club Fae portal and have himself a fairy buffet, a drunk on fae blood Russell is unexpectedly staked by Eric, who whooshes in to save the day. ‘Well, fuck’ whines Russell in defeat as the Viking’s ancient grudge is settled, and that’s curtains for one of the most entertaining characters in True Blood’s history.

Jason sees dead people

Namely mama and papa Stackhouse, who are appearing to him and adding even more fuel to his vamp hating fire. Jason has had a pretty rough go of it this season with the mess with Hoyt and Jessica and finding out the truth about his parent’s deaths, and it’s taken a toll on his attitude. The Jason we saw in this episode is more cynical, pissed off and revenge driven than we’ve ever seen him. ‘The time for tolerance is over,’ he tells Sookie as the stock up on vamp killing supplies, ‘It’s us versus them.’ Seems like the Jason we’ll see in Season 6 will certainly be a focussed one, but he may be playing with danger.

Alcide rules the wolves

After getting the skinny on just how much of a no good meany pants JD is (he force fed Rikki and others V) Alcide decides its time to man/wolf up and take charge. Having had his sexy ass handed to him in their last tussle, Alcide needs to stop to JD’s level to ensure a fair fight, and takes some higher quality V provided by his dad. Thankfully, he’s not disqualified during any tests for performance enhancing drugs and puts an epic beatdown on JD, making him the new packmaster of Shreveport. So I guess that means he’ll spend most of next season involved in whatever boring werewolf side story is cooked up. Read More »

True Blood Recap Episode 511 – ‘Sunset’

By Jess on Aug 22 2012 at 2:48 am | 7 Comments »

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Well, the good news is that instead of fifty different storylines this week, it was pretty much just vampires, fairies, or vampires vs fairies. Nice ‘n’ easy! The bad news is that a buttload of stuff still went down. The recap that would never end had an ugly war with the recapper’s busy ass week, ’twas a fierce battle but here we are. Better late than never!

Bill is strolling around Authority HQ, probably on his way to see to some super mega important chancelloring business as he has now been bestowed with the new title of ‘Chancellor Compton’, when he’s distracted by a spooky voice calling his name. The door to the prayer room swings open, and just as it looks like the Ghostbusters will have to be called in, the source of this supernatural chicanery is revealed: Lilith in all her naked, gore-covered glory. I’m starting to really wish Lilith would get some threads, or at least take a shower. Lilith says to Bill ‘Only one can lead us. I choose you.’ Is it weird that I thought of Ralph from The Simpsons and his ‘You choo choo choose me?’ Probably, because this is nowhere near as adorable. Lilith then opens up the case containing ‘her’ blood and orders Bill to drink the lot of it. He refuses and tries to get away from her, but when he turns around there is a bloody handprint on the door of the case, the first sign that Lilith is a physical presence. She pays Chancellor Bill another visit later just to make sure her message about him being cho cho chosen sinks in. Bill falls to his knees and proclaims himself not worthy, and Lilith kisses her fingers and places them to his lips. She does her Houdini again and is gone, and Bill is left with the sticky residue of her kiss on his mouth and looks positively rapturous.

Bill is the chosen one! Or…not. When Bill goes back to the prayer room, Chancellor Kibwe is in there on his knees with the same rapturous look because Lilith has chosen him, and left another bloody handprint too. ‘Oh no she di’nt,’ says Bill, or something to that effect anyway, and he decapitates Kibwe and kicks his remains into the decorative pool

So, Bill is the chosen one! Or…not? Lilith then appears to Salome as well, and gives her the ‘I choo choo choose you, drink all of me!’ spiel. So now, it looks like whoever Lilith is she wants these two to take each other apart all in the name of who is really god’s favourite.

nora eric 300x184 season 5 recaps ep 11 sunset With all this madness surrounding who gets to be President of the Lilith Fan Club, it’s no surprise that Nora has seemingly snapped out of the religious haze and is paying attention to the GETOUTGETOUGETOUT! signs that are flashing in neon lights. She goes to Eric’s room to find him wearing the same ‘These dudes are all whacked and we are a tiny bit fucked’ expression, and they reconnect by having I’m-sorry-I-was-a-crazy-bitch-and-we-might-die-so-take-me-now-sibling sex. Nora pleads for his forgiveness, and Eric promises that he will get them out. Read More »

True Blood Recap Episode 510 – ‘Gone, Gone, Gone’

By Jess on Aug 14 2012 at 10:47 pm | 41 Comments »

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What is  it thats ‘gone’ exactly? A certain parish coroner? A certain favourite character? The sanity of a couple of vampires? Or perhaps all of the above.

In an opening scene straight out of Randomville, Sookie is fed up with all the news coverage of the Tru Blood factory bombings, and is settling in to some PJs on the couch and takeout Chinese time when there’s a knock on the door. It’s not the chow mein delivery dude back with some bonus fortune cookies, but Mike Spencer. Yes, Mike Spencer, Coroner, appreciator of toes and probably a distant number 87 or so on the list of people likely to randomly show up at Sookie’s house. And did I mention that this was really random? Mike says he’s there for the body. Who, Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura? No, Sookie’s body. Mike pops some newly acquired fangs and tackles Sook to the ground, getting a taste of that delectable fairy blood. Sook is in quite a predicament, until she sees her discarded takeout bag on the floor. She pulls out a pair of cheap, crappy, but wooden chopsticks, and proceeds to beat death-by-pencil for the greatest non-stake staking in show history as she sinks the handy eating utensils into Mike and he explodes all over her flowered jammies. As Andy later says when he arrives on the scene, lucky she didn’t order pizza.

Hilarious, but random. Or…not? Sheriff Scissorhands is back at Fangtasia in all his pasty glory, now playing the part of the world’s creepiest accountant as he tallies the bar’s nightly income and baulks at the meagre total. A fallout from the factory bombings is that a lot less humans are cavorting at a vampire bar, and alternative means of bringing in the green are now being utilized. Somehow, appendage sucking peep shows aren’t sounding all that appealing to Pam and Tara, and neither is the new ‘procreation mandate’ implemented by the higher ups. Area 5 needs thirty new babyvamps, or else Scissors can seize all of Pam’s assets, bar and progeny included. Guess that explains new vamps being made all over the place, which explains Mike.

tara 300x221 season 5 recaps ep 10 gone But what the Sheriff didn’t count on was Tara’s new complete badassness and take no shit attitude. She calls Scissors back to the bar, freaking out because she’s accidently killed Ginger in a failed turning attempt. He checks her pulse and breathing, and discovers that she is very much alive, so much so that she can stick a silver dagger in his arm and immobilize him long enough for Tara to decapitate him with a battle sword (One of Eric’s Viking artefacts?) Ginger does what Ginger does best and screams her head off, while Pam enters and looks unimpressed. ‘Nobody fucks with us in our house’ says Tara, who is redeeming her awesomeness with every new episode. Read More »

True Blood Recap Episode 509 – ‘Everybody Wants To Rule The World’

By Jess on Aug 6 2012 at 11:02 pm | 29 Comments »

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AKA Enter The Dragon 2: Attack of the Fanatics. Where’s Bruce Lee when you need him?

The bulk of this episode was devoted to the Obamas. No, Mr Prez and the First Lady didn’t show up for a cameo, awesome as that would have been. Rather it’s the supe killing hate group, led by the mysterious ‘Dragon’, who disguise themselves with Barack masks. And nearly every character bar the vampires (who are getting pretty fanatical in their own right) was embroiled in this hot mess this week.

For the second week in a row, Lafayette is looking fabulous and bringing the lolz as he hires out his medium services, this time to attempt to contact Warlow. ‘Creepy spirit thang. Why you in Sookie bathroom?’ Fanged Freddy seems to have vacated the premises, either that or Lala’s skills are not exactly Whoopi in Ghost level. (That comparison was everywhere last week. Holy sheeit, they read the internet’s mind from the past!) But then he starts hearing a whole bunch of spirits jabbering away in the room, including Gran, who tells Sookie that whatever she’s looking for she’s ‘sleeping on top of it.’  Sook goes under the bed and retrieves a box of mementos, photo albums and miscellaneous crap that provide shit all in the way of usefulness, until she reads an old newspaper clipping and finds out that her parent’s bodies were discovered by a Deputy Bud Dearborn.

She goes to visit the former sheriff at his house to dig deeper into the matter. Bud admits that yes, there were signs of vampire bites on the bodies, and that it must be hard on Sookie that her Gran and now her parents were all killed by vamps. Despite reminding him that Rene was the one who killed her Gran, Bud argues that she was still killed by Sookie’s association with vamps, and starts thinking nervous jittery thoughts and wishing Sook would drink her ginger ale. She spills the can of pop on him and grabs his hand to get a better listen in, seems to be satisfied that he knows nothing more of Warlow and is about to leave when she’s walloped with a frying pan (the second time in True Blood and the third time in an Alan Ball show this has happened. Running gag?) by Bud’s mistress and knocked out cold.

While this unofficial civilian investigation goes tits up, the qualified officers of the law are at the station finding out all they can about the Obamas. The check out the group’s website, which contains a pledge to rid America of ‘mutants’ and a Youtube highlight reel that includes ‘Supe Soup’: burning up a vampire in the sun. The use of the ‘Dragon’ title, as well as crosses and masks, is familiar to Andy: the Obama’s are mimicking the methods of the Ku Klux Klan. So, this means The Dragon is king shit in this whole operation. They find him, they stop the Obamas Read More »

True Blood Recap Episode 508 – ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’

By Jess on Jul 31 2012 at 8:19 pm | 21 Comments »
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Vamps gone wild

My my, it was a fun ride this week!

Our band of merry tripping vampires arrive back at Authority HQ still fascinated with lightbulbs and doing a lot of enthusiastic wooooooing. Also Steve is riding Russell’s knee while he gets a cheeky little buttslap in. Ah, to see romance blossom! After Godric’s apparition put this whole adventure into perspective, a sombre Eric has had enough of the revelry. As the rest of the gang sit around telling their tales of Lilith’s perfect breasts and being born again and eating children, he simply watches them still in shock. They continue the celebration by ordering in your standard buffet of party food: four margarita pizzas, a case of beer, 2 dozen humans, and a side of baby for Nigel.  Shiver. Eric turns party pooper and retreats for the evening and is expecting Bill to do the same, but he opts to stay with the cool kids. Nobody taught Bill to just say no to peer pressure.

Bill is later called to Salome’s chamber, where she has one of the procured party snacks tied to the bed and ready to be fed on. The young woman pleads for her life and says she has a young daughter, and Bill seems to have sobered up a bit and is not allowing himself to be bullied, saying that as somebody who was a father himself he couldn’t possible kill this young mother. Salome turns this around on him by saying if he loved his kids so much he should have turned them to be with them forever, and we transition into a flashback.

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Bill says goodbye to his daughter

The year is 1910 in Baton Rouge, and Bill is visiting his daughter Sarah, who is now middle aged and dying in a hospice. She doesn’t understand how her father can still look as the same as he did when she was a child, and he says ‘I have been shown a way to live longer than ever thought possible.’ To Sarah, who can feel herself rotting and is not ready for death, this mystery cure is a revelation. She pleads with Bill to make her into what he is, but he refuses, believing that immortality is a curse. Cut back to present time and Bill looks tortured at the memory, but Salome insists that to refuse a human is blasphemy towards Lilith. Bill slowly makes his way towards the girl, looking conflicted the whole way, but eventually feeds on her. Read More »

True Blood Recap Episode 507 – ‘In The Beginning’

By Jess on Jul 24 2012 at 1:06 am | 22 Comments »


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Hey guys, the recap is gonna be a bit shorter and laid out a bit different this week. I have been struck by that evil bastard known as the flu, and am leaving my beddy wed only long enough to watch this, er, interesting episode and give you a quick roundup. Comments appreciated as always though, I’d love to read them through my tissues and mouthfuls of chicken soup!

Sookie attempts to unplug the microwave (fingers)

Laid out after being gang-blasted by the fae, Sook is now being tested for luminescence, aka how zappy her zappiness still is. The prognosis: the battery is running low, and as Jason finds out, no, she can’t just be charged back up. As a part-fae her magic can run out, and when it does it’s gone for good. That means a thought hearing, microwave fingers free, good ‘ol human life. With her parents death due to her blood being in the car still fresh in her mind, and a visit to Sam and Luna in the hospital showing her just how much violence and tragedy being different can bring upon you and your loved ones, Sook decides that being magic-free may just be the easier option and sets about running down her fairy power pack by doing her best Thor impersonation and creating a localised lighting storm in her front yard.

Jason and Jessica have a slight disagreement

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Because all slight disagreements end up with one party being shot in the head. No? Jason visits Jess at the mansion and confides in her about his parent’s death, but things take a turn for the worse after he tastes blood on her mouth. Jason’s visit happened to interrupt her feeding on a nameless underwear model, and this eat, discard, repeat philosophy doesn’t sit well considering his new distrust of vampires. Btw, anyone else think Jess’s cow analogy was a bit too Sanguinista-y? Things deteriorate, names are called, necks are bitten, heads are shot, and royal guards come storming in with their sniper rifles. Now that is one helluva domestic dispute. Read More »

True Blood Recap – Ep 506 “Hopeless”

By Jess on Jul 17 2012 at 8:17 am | 32 Comments »

Shootings! And stakings! And fairies…baking? Ok, this week was less rhymes, more crimes, so lets get into what he said and she said, and who just ended up plain old dead.

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Chaos is reigning once again at the abandoned nuthouse, where Alcide, Bill and Eric are all being kept at bay by Russell’s Wolf Security Force. While the boys take on the Mutts 4 Hire, Russell attempts to get himself a reviving sip out of his favourite fairy vixen Miss Stackhouse…and gets the microwave fingers treatment for his efforts. Cue patented Russell cackle. Oh, how I’ve missed that sound! Eric fights off his hairy aggressor and is about to make his pretty face the last thing Russell ever sees (which I’m sure Russell, appreciator of fine men that he is, would have found a satisfying last vision indeed), but is stopped by Bill holding a stake to his back, reasoning that Russell’s death also means a swift execution for them at the hands of the Authority. And oh, what a shocking coincidence, here they are now! Led by Chancellor Kibwe, sporting their stupid berets and training their laser rifles on Russell.

They slap some cuffs on him and lead him away quietly. I kid! Russell instantly launches into yet another brilliant anti-Authority tirade, including such blasphemous pipe-bombs as ‘There is no Lilith!’ and ‘You may as well be praying to Leprachauns or Unicorns or the motherfucking Kardashians!’ Russell Edgington. Back for: one minute. Time taken to deliver an instantly legendary line: less than one minute.

Bill and Eric are ordered by Kibwe to do the vampire cleanup job on Sook and Alcide (Eric’s story as to why they’re there in the first place: they were ‘humping like livestock’ in a car that he and Bill jacked for transportation.) Eric does a very thorough job on Alcide, so thorough in fact that that he won’t actually remember ever having the hots for the Sookster and will instead recoil from her like he’s scared of catching her girl germs. And Bill does an all-for-show fake wipe job on the un-glamourable Sookie, which becomes one of those classic EmoBill appearances ‘Keep calm and go forth into the sunlight’ Bill to Sookie goodbye speeches. Unfortunately for the breathing snack supply that were being kept prisoner, Kibwe has no interest in providing any cash compensation for their troubles, or even wasting any of his glamour-mojo, and instead just slaughters the lot of them. That mainstreaming…sooooo important to The Authority, mmm hmm. Read More »